"Women & Love" by Mira Kirshenbaum Avon Books, $23 -------------------------------
Many women have "Mad About You" daydreams but lead "Seinfeld" lives when it comes to love, says psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbaum in "Women & Love."
That's unnecessary, because finding love isn't about luck, she says, but about learning enough about yourself and others to trust your judgment and feelings.
After interviewing hundreds of women, Kirshenbaum extracted eight key experiences that women need to go through in order to find love. She highlights how women can successfully navigate these "make-or-break" situations - such as being dumped - and identify when they need to move on. Some of her advice: -- Have lots of love adventures. Date a few "wrong" guys so you know what works and what doesn't. You'll also be more ready to settle down; learn you're capable of taking care of yourself; and figure out what makes a relationship the real thing and not just a fling.
-- Keep an exit strategy. "Never put yourself in a situation where you don't have the dough to walk away from a love affair."
-- Ignore books that tell you to do whatever it takes to "get a man."
"Focusing on winning in love means you're always so busy trying to get him to want you that you forget to ask yourself if you want him, or if he'll want the real you."
-- Make smart go/no go choices after the second or third date. The top five things to look for in a man, according to Kirshenbaum: He delivers on promises; he's open; he's a solid guy; he's there when you need him; and he's fun to be around.
-- Go for the steak, not the sizzle. "All the smartest women think of dating as the search for substance."
-- Trust yourself. More than 75 percent of women who felt misused in a relationship said they knew something was wrong at the beginning but didn't want to listen to their feelings.
-- List your top three priorities for a mate, considering that you will be living with that person day after day. "When your big three are taken care of, everything else falls into place."
-- Don't let your romance become routine. At least once a month, do something very different together. Take a dance class, go to a tractor pull, eat out for breakfast. If you're having problems in a relationship, fix them or get out.
Copyright (c) 1999 Seattle Times Company, All Rights Reserved.
