There's one in nearly every day care or preschool: the hitter, the biter, the shover.

Everyone gets frustrated — the child, ostracized by peers; the parents, who take time off work to deal with concerns; other parents, who jump to protect their kids; and the child-care staff, who balance one child's needs with 19 others.

Some providers are willing to work with parents, but others quickly "disenroll" — read: expel — the child, which can lead to more problems for the family.

Nearly half of 3-year-olds and 70 percent of 4-year-olds attend preschool or child care, according to the National Institute for Early Education Research.

Anecdotally, experts believe the number of children kicked out of preschool is rising, though no one tracks the figures.

Child Care Resources, a King County nonprofit that helps parents find child care, gets calls from both sides: desperate parents who need emergency child care after their child is expelled, and providers "at the end of their rope," said chief program officer Deeann Puffert.

Preschool kids get in trouble for physical aggression and disruptive behavior such as running out of the building or refusing to listen. Even infants are expelled for crying too much or not sleeping, said Lenore Rubin, a child psychologist for Public Health — King County & Seattle's child-care team.

Resources Local help for parents: Public Health — Seattle & King County: Parents or child-care staff can call for assistance and referrals from the child-care team. 206-296-2770. Child Care Resources: This child-care referral service costs $40 for six-month access to its online database and phone help. Reduced fees for low-income families. www.childcare.org or 206-329-5544. Community Health Access Program: Parents with developmental concerns about children birth to age 6 can call 206-284-0331 or 800-756-KIDS for information and referrals.

"What gets children disenrolled is impinging on the rights of others or requiring too much one-on-one," Rubin explained. "Other parents complain that their child is afraid to come to school."

While it's easy to blame the "problem child," experts say numerous factors contribute, including school and home environment, social skills, health issues and special needs.

"You have to look at the whole picture before you pinpoint, 'This child has behavioral problems,' " said Diane Kroll of the Puget Sound Educational Service District.

Walter S. Gilliam, a professor of child psychology at Yale University Child Study Center, looked at preschool expulsion rates in Massachusetts. When stressed-out teachers led large classes, half reported expelling at least one child; relaxed teachers with small classes had only a 12-percent rate.

Some parents already have noticed a child's behavior at home, but others are shocked by the acting out. "Sometimes you get, 'Hmmm, I guess it's not just me who thinks something is wrong,' and other times it's 'How dare you?' " Puffert said. "It's a hard conversation to have with a parent, so some providers move to disenroll the child instead."

If communication starts early, parents can offer a fuller sense of their child's personality. A child may act very differently in a group setting than with an adult or during a one-on-one play date, said Ann Pelo of Hilltop Children's Center in Seattle.

"The minute there's a flick of concern, I'll be in contact with a family," said Pelo, who taught preschool-age children at Hilltop for 12 years and now works on professional development there. "I don't want to hold off until it gets really big."

The tone is key. "I'm not calling to tell you your kid has a problem," said Pelo, who is also an author. "It's 'As a team, how do we support the child?' We see ourselves as allies with families."

Many kids go through a biting or hitting stage, especially as pre-verbal toddlers. But if the behavior continues, it's important parents address it early.

"From about age 3 to 7 or 8, children are more flexible in their thinking and more receptive to teaching," said Carolyn Webster-Stratton, director of the Parenting Clinic at the University of Washington.

"We do know that young children who are highly aggressive are at higher risk for later developing antisocial behaviors such as dropping out of school, drug use and violence," said Webster-Stratton, a psychologist and UW professor. "Not all aggressive kids continue on that pathway, but parents should see it as a signal that child needs adult support."

Environment

Rising expulsions? Many experts say more kids are getting kicked out of child care and preschool. Here are some reasons: More children, including at-risk children, attend group programs. Many children also spend longer hours in care at younger ages. More families face stress and change, such as divorce or unemployment. Increasing diagnosis of behavioral problems (including attention deficit-hyperactivity and oppositional defiance disorders). Programs with untrained staff and overcrowded facilities. Rising academic expectations from parents and public schools. "Zero tolerance" policies against violence applied to young children.

Both Public Health and Child Care Resources will send staff to observe the child, his interactions and the center. They look at how the teacher relates to the children, whether toys are age-appropriate, if staff is knowledgeable about child development and whether rooms are overcrowded.

Even minor changes, such as shortening story time, moving lunch earlier or shadowing a child can alter behavior.

Family Circle Learning Center in Renton provides lots of sensory materials in its toddler and preschool rooms. Staff will guide biters to play dough as an alternative, which can "make a big difference," said director Suzette Breckel.

Some child-care providers track when and what upsets a child. If a child always falls apart in the late afternoon, for example, parents might juggle their work schedules so he isn't in care such long hours.

Sometimes the very things parents think make a good preschool — high academic expectations and emphasis on table work — are not age-appropriate.

"In a 3- and 4-year-old program, you can have kids who look and behave like 18-month-olds, and others who look and behave like 6-year-olds," Gilliam said. "When you treat all the kids like 6-year-olds, it sounds like a recipe for disaster to me."

Home life also plays a part. Family Circle requires parents to sign a behavioral plan that spells out recommended steps, such as cutting out violent media, getting a child in bed on time, or taking a parenting class. Since the center serves many low-income families, the staff also tries to hook parents up with community resources.

With some children, switching programs may fix the problem. A child may do better with a new mix of kids or a teacher's less-structured approach. Others thrive in smaller settings, such as home-based care, or with one-on-one attention from a nanny.

Delayed social skills

Just as some children walk or talk late, some don't develop social skills as early as others. "A 5-year-old might be more like a 3-year-old in terms of the way they play," Webster-Stratton said.

This means they prefer side-by-side play rather than cooperation. Children also may be more impulsive and less patient.

"Children want to belong with the group," Rubin said. "If they're not getting along, then something's in their way. They need help, not threats and punishment."

Research suggests young kids who don't get along with peers often don't understand why. Aggression is often "impulse stuff or 'I don't know how to get you to play with me, but if I hit you, I get your attention,' " Pelo said.

Giving an internal script, such as "I'm a person who listens to other kids," helps children think before reacting.

"When they learn how to make friends, the hitting goes down," Rubin said.

Health needs

If other changes don't affect behavior, parents might consider an assessment.

Family Circle requires a full physical as a first step for children regularly in trouble. In one instance, a child turned out to be borderline diabetic. Giving her the right snacks "made a world of difference," Breckel said. Chronic ear infections and allergies can also contribute.

Working with groups of children, most child-care staff can immediately spot the child who is outside the developmental range. This was the case with one 2-year-old who didn't talk at all and was becoming a regular biter.

Doctors discovered he had apraxia, a neurological disorder that can affect speech. He stayed in child care and learned sign language, Puffert said.

While a pediatrician might say it's normal for a preschooler to throw a tantrum, providers know it's not typical for tots to pull out clumps of their own hair during a fit — as Breckel has seen — or rip down the blinds.

Kent resident Garnet Kutterer wishes she'd sought help earlier for her son, whose aggressive behavior sent up red flags with his child-care teachers. He was diagnosed with cyclothymia, a mild form of bipolar disorder.

"When you see something is not quite right, find help before they get to school," said Kutterer, Family Circle's program supervisor.

When a child is expelled, a desperate parent often takes whatever center has an immediate opening and hopes for the best.

"The problem just repeats itself," Gilliam said. "By the time a child starts kindergarten, he may have been told several times that he's an educational failure — and maybe his parents believe it. By that time, we don't know what's been done to a child's experience of school."

Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com.