For parents with struggling kids

Create a partnership with teachers. One, this helps communication. Two, child-care staff are more willing to keep trying if parents also make changes at home. Three, "it's harder for teachers to release a child when they know and like the parents," said Yale professor Walter S. Gilliam.

Learn what's normal. "What's different is the frequency and intensity," said UW professor Carolyn Webster-Stratton. "All kids argue, bite, hit and push, but these kids do it a lot more." Children with behavioral problems are often defiant, complying with adult commands as little as 10 percent of the time (compared with two-thirds of the time for a typical 4-year-old).

Try not to be defensive. Often, child-care staffers can recommend therapists, parenting classes or other resources. "If a parent insists 'Nothing's wrong,' a provider is left with a child with significant problems and no hope of getting assistance," said Child Care Resources' Deeann Puffert.

Read books that encourage social skills. For example, "Hands Are Not For Hitting," by Martine Agassi or "We Can Get Along: A Child's Book of Choices," by Lauren Murphy Payne.

Work with teachers to provide continuity. Try to use the same language and techniques.

Look for ways to calm life. Children who spend long hours in child-care and then spend hectic evenings in various activities may be stressed out and not getting enough sleep.

Consider alternatives. A child who is sensitive to noise or overstimulated by large groups may never be comfortable in a child-care facility. Opt for a smaller home-based provider or, if possible, a shared nanny or stay-at-home parent. Sometimes even a temporary monthlong break with Grandma can make a difference.

Share what's going on at home. Even changes that seem minor to parents, such as business travel or a late night, can put a child on edge.

Don't discipline at home for child-care transgressions. "Parents' intention is fabulous — they want to help curb the behavior and support the teacher," said Ann Pelo of Hilltop Children's Center. "But if you have a young kid who bit another in the morning because he wanted to use blocks, by dessert time [at home] he's wondering, 'What are you talking about?' "

Instead, emphasize the resolution. In a matter-of-fact fashion, go over what happened and how the teacher helped the child. "Retell the whole loop, rather than 'You're busted,' " Pelo advises.

Ask if teachers can identify triggers. Some children struggle with transitions and need warnings before switching tasks.

Spotlight positives. Children with behavioral issues are often labeled and ostracized by peers. Teachers can help highlight nice gestures or positive skills that get overshadowed by attention-grabbing behavior.

Acknowledge when things aren't working. Ask for two weeks to find a new provider. Do it before the situation reaches a crisis point to avoid "Don't come back on Monday."

After an expulsion, be upfront with new providers. See how they react and ask how they'd handle a child's behaviors. "If you say, 'My child has a habit of hitting' and they say, 'Ohhhh,' that's a sure sign to keep looking," Puffert said. Once you find a match, have a plan in place from the beginning so teachers can anticipate and cut off negative actions.

For parents whose child is picked on

Let teachers know. They can help the child feel supported and safe. A teacher might stay nearby for quick intervention.

Ask for a plan. Teachers won't name a particular child but should be able to tell parents what actions they're taking to keep all children safe.

Encourage empowerment. It's rare for a child to be seriously hurt by another. But emotionally, a child may feel unsettled, powerless and vulnerable. It's important that the child feels heard and confident about managing conflict.

View it as a lesson in tolerance. As long as children are safe, try to encourage compassion and understanding of someone who behaves differently.

Stephanie Dunnewind, Seattle Times staff reporter