Laureen Miki can trace the changes in her blended family's holidays through an orange.
Specifically, the gourmet orange that she insisted fill the toe of her two stepchildren's stockings (like she grew up with) along with all the candy her husband stuffed in (as he and the kids were used to).
The first year, it was, "This is lame — why is there a stupid orange in my stocking?" recalls the Kirkland resident, whose stepchildren are 17 and 15. Now it's, "Hey, where's my orange?!"
It was one of the many issues — including how much to spend, the number of gifts and even how to open them (take turns or a free-for-all) — that she and her husband clashed on during the heightened emotional time of the holidays. Now, six years later, she figures "a little more zen" attitude best preserves the holiday spirit.
"This is the way my husband and his kids were used to spending Christmas," said Miki, mom of a 3-year-old and 9-month-old. "If we changed it and everyone was unhappy, that's no big victory for me. You can't get all wrapped up in what you're going to do. You have to focus on everyone being happy and try to make that the ultimate outcome."
Compromise is, of course, an ongoing challenge for most divorced and blended families. Experts say the holidays are especially difficult — but important — because parents and kids expect the season's oft-promoted, warm-fuzzy togetherness.
"This time of year is so full of feeling and so full of the eternal hope of being together," Portland psychologist William Merkel said. "Having anything else feels like a disappointment."
Kids don't want either parent to be alone on Christmas but resent being shuffled back and forth; stepmoms work hard to create holiday celebrations that are often not only unappreciated but actively rebuffed; dads might be divided between two families; and moms' hearts are wrenched saying goodbye to kids when they most want them around.
"For a lot of divorced families, the holidays are what they hang on to," Miki said. "When everything else is quite traumatic, you really need a nice holiday time."
Given that everyone is (or should be) on best behavior, the holidays "are the apex for the whole year," said Stephan Poulter, author of "Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You've Always Wanted to Be." "It sets the tempo on how people get along the rest of the time."
Long-held and emotionally laden holiday rituals are not easily modified, however, for parents or kids. Merkel and his partner, Lisa Cohn, end up each decorating half their Christmas tree. She favors homemade ornaments ("bits of paper with string through them," he says); he prefers a more sophisticated look ("gaudy commercialism" is her take).
"It's very hard to come up with a nice, smooth, homogenous mix that pleases everyone and seems festive," said Merkel, who co-wrote "One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies" with Cohn. "The tree was one concrete place where we tried to blend and really couldn't. So we went back to our own way and it really did work. You just looked at the half of the tree you wanted to."
Their first Christmas together, seven years ago, Cohn's son ended up in tears when his two stepsiblings had many more presents to open. Now Cohn buys a few more and Merkel buys a few less.
Cohn and Merkel also get together with their ex-spouses and their respective partners for a seasonal party before Christmas where everyone, regardless of family affiliation, exchanges white-elephant gifts.
"It's very important to the kids," Merkel said. "We look at it as our present to them, to have us all in the same room, all on our best behavior."
They shifted their holiday custody arrangements so all their children are home Christmas afternoon, instead of one arriving just as the others left. On Christmas Eve, they take their 6-year-old daughter out to a nice restaurant so they don't feel lonely.
Cohn admits it's hard to send her son to his father's, where his stepmom has a doting extended family. "I was jealous that he preferred that Christmas, where he loved the food and the huge crowd," she said. She tries to focus on his joy and her appreciation of his stepmom's acceptance.
By the teen years, many children wish they had more control over schedules. Aviva Simon-Pottharst, 14, alternates weeks with her parents; this year, she'll spend six days of Hanukkah with her mom and two with her dad, stepmom and 2-year-old sister.
For them, the week-on, week-off schedule works better than "a lot of back and forth" during the holidays, stepmom Elizabeth Ralston said. "It's easier to anticipate where everyone's going to be."
Still, "the best holiday present I could ever receive is to have my parents listen to and honor my wishes about where I spend my time," said Aviva, whose parents separated when she was 2. "The parenting schedule is the supreme law that dictates where and when I spend my time.
"The key to making time spent during the holidays enjoyable for kids of divorced parents is communication," Aviva wrote in an e-mail. "Communication between the kids and parents and communication between the parents are equally important."
Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com or 206-464-2091.
