Gifts

Help young kids with a gift for your ex-spouse. Pay for it, or help craft a homemade gift.

Let kids take new toys/clothes/gadgets to their other parent's house.

Draw names. Blended families often attend multiple holiday gatherings. To reduce financial strain, draw names or do a white-elephant gift exchange.

Suggest relatives give a family gift. For example: a family membership to a museum.

Coordinate big gifts. One dad bought his teenage daughter a laptop while her mom sprung for all the software and an Internet connection. This worked on two levels, since the laptop was portable between homes. "Coordinating makes kids feel wonderful at Christmas," said psychologist Stephan Poulter.

Say, "How great!" when excited kids call to tell you about gifts from your ex. Don't launch into a tirade about, say, how you can't afford expensive gifts because your ex never pays child support, or one-up by promising an even bigger present.

Rein in spending. "Don't let guilt be your shopping motivation," Poulter said. "Trying to show love through gifts just doesn't work."

Holiday time

Be flexible. Think of kids first before insisting holiday time be completely equal. This may mean children miss seeing out-of-town relatives or going on a trip. Teens and college students may want to spend more time where their friends live.

Be together, if possible. When she was younger, Aviva Simon-Pottharst's divorced parents often spent holidays and special occasions together with her. "The best, most memorable and meaningful birthday parties I've had were those at which both my parents were present," she said. "It makes all the difference."

Discuss expectations in advance. "Sit down and ask, 'How do you think the holidays should go?' " said Kirkland mom Laureen Miki. That way parents can see where the differences are and work out compromises. "The hardest thing is that because it's a blended family, you have to negotiate even the most basic things."

Look for alternatives. Re-create a holiday on a different day, or try a new one. "For instance, one year Aviva and I celebrated Sukhot, which is a fall Jewish harvest festival holiday, at our P-patch plot," noted Ed Pottharst. Likewise, don't force kids to repeat rituals, like decorating a second tree.

Try to keep tensions low. Call a truce for December. "You want kids to have nice memories of Christmas, not of us all fighting over them," said Lisa Cohn, a Portland mom of two and stepmom of two.

Don't change everything. Especially for stepmoms, it's important to step back and plan for the long haul. "I had grand ideas of what I wanted to provide for my family," Cohn said. "But [step]kids have their own traditions and don't want new ones pushed on them. Don't take it personally when kids don't buy into your holiday fantasies."

Don't overmix. "It's possible to find room for two different styles without insisting everyone blend at every point," said psychologist William Merkel.

Dads, be involved. Too often, fathers leave holiday planning and tasks (such as shopping for their own children) to their current wives. "Being passive at Christmas is a recipe for disaster," said Poulter, a divorced dad. "Men want to avoid conflict, but they create more by not planning ahead with wives and ex-wives."

Don't overschedule. If kids are shuttling back and forth between mom and dad's houses already, plan visits to relatives' houses the week before or after Christmas, not that day.

Visit kids where they live. If a noncustodial parent lives away from kids, it's often better for the parent to travel during the holidays. "Kids just want to be home for the holidays," says Barbara LeBey, author of "Remarried with Children: Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family." "Do something with them on their own turf."

Expect misbehavior. With everyone vying for attention, younger children often act unruly or disruptive, LeBey noted. Budget alone time with biological parents.

Keep busy while kids are away. Sending kids off on Christmas Eve is especially hard on single parents. Stay with relatives, visit friends, book time at a spa or volunteer at a homeless shelter.

Don't introduce a new girlfriend/boyfriend. The holidays — and especially during a family tradition (decorating the tree, etc.) — are not the best time for kids to meet a new romantic interest.

— Stephanie Dunnewind, Seattle Times staff reporter