For parents

Don't reason with a sad or angry kid. "When kids get upset, parents try to turn it into a teachable moment," noted Elizabeth Crary, author of "Dealing With Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don't Go Their Way. "But the child is not in a place to be rational."

Choke back the reminder about deprived kids in third-world countries. Yes, it's a good message. Are they listening now? No.

Distinguish between feelings and actions. It's OK to be disappointed. It's not OK to yell, pinch or refuse to thank Grandpa.

Give the gift in pretend. With young kids, create a fantasy situation. For example, "Wouldn't it be fun if we lived on a ranch and you had five horses to take care of?" (Just make sure it's far enough from reality to not raise more hopes.) "This shows you truly understand what it is they want, and you're modeling how to make it happen in their mind," Crary said.

Show how you cope. If you're disappointed a relative couldn't join the celebration, say this aloud and explain how you're coping by, for example, giving them a call. Or talk about a Christmas you were disappointed as a youth and how you dealt with it.

Put spending in context. It might be financial: "If we spent that much money on gifts, we wouldn't have enough for ballet lessons (or rent or food)." It might be values: "We'd rather donate money to charity than buy a second video-game system."

Earn it. If a gift is too extravagant (but not against your values), suggest the child or teen work and save toward the item.

Don't be judgmental. Clarify your position, but "don't put across a message that puts the child down," said parent educator Bonnie Harris. For example, try, "I don't approve of that violent video game" instead of, "That game is terrible. I don't know why you'd want to play it."

For kids

Slow down. Teach kids to pause, look a gift-giver in the eye and say, "Thank you," advised Corinne Gregory, president of The Polite Child.

Find something positive to say. If the sweater is hideous what do you say? "Thank you, I don't have a sweater this color," suggests Gregory. Or a duplicate toy: "Now I have one to share when a friend comes over."

Rude is always rude. Kids sometimes think saying something rude in a polite fashion is acceptable, as in "Thanks very much for the blue sweater but I would have preferred red." Nope, says Gregory. "Don't say anything other than thank you."

Ask kids to give a gift to someone else. Shift the emphasis from getting to giving so kids see the exchange from a new perspective.

Send a thank-you note. Make it a fun experience with cookies and cocoa. When you get thank-yous, point out how gratifying it is to know that someone appreciated your gift.

Object to the gift, not the giver. Grandpa gives your kids a BB gun — a no-no in your family. "Be honest with the kids about what it is that makes the gift inappropriate," Gregory said.

Be upfront but polite. Query if the giver would prefer the gift exchanged or returned.

"You don't want your child to lie and say, 'Gee, thanks for the swell copy of Grand Theft Auto' when you're not going to let your son/daughter even crack the seal on it," Gregory notes. "If you explain it in terms of 'our family rules,' then most people will get the point, without the personalization of 'WE don't allow Jennifer to be exposed to that sort of activity or toy,' which can sound rather holier-than-thou if not handled carefully."

For next year

Give kids an allowance. Kids who understand how to budget are more likely to be appreciative.

Involve kids in community service. Encourage kids to focus on others.

Don't go overboard with young children. "They'll retain those expectations even when the price tags go up," Crary warns.

Buy less. As Harris notes, "Children are more grateful when they know that you don't say 'yes' all the time."

Stephanie Dunnewind, Seattle Times staff reporter