For years, building a child's self-esteem was considered one of parenting's highest goals.

Now the phrase is so linked with the feel-good movement that "in some quarters, self-esteem has a negative connotation," said Robert Brooks, a psychology professor at Harvard Medical School.

"Some people think self-esteem is about letting kids do whatever they want and never letting them face adversity," said Brooks, co-author of "Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope and Optimism in Your Child." He switched his emphasis from self-esteem to resiliency since that offers "less opportunity for distortion."

Self-esteem can be an empty value if it's not tempered with a sense of responsibility and social awareness, experts say.

"Drug dealers and violent criminals usually feel good about themselves because they control their environment," said Rich Catalano, director of the Social Development Research Group at the University of Washington. "You probably know people with good self-esteem that you can't stand. That's not really the kind of person we want to encourage."

A wide review of self-esteem studies, published in a 2003 edition of the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest, found both the highest and lowest rates of cheating and bullying in different sub-categories of high self-esteem.

"Self-esteem comes out to a zero if you include both kinds of [negative and positive] behavior," Catalano said. "It's really about how you get to feeling good about yourself."

Psychologist Charles Elliott says the popular self-esteem movement ignores the "twin pillars" of good mental health: the ability to delay gratification and tolerate frustration.

Some argue that the push for self-discipline — as opposed to self-esteem — is more semantics than a real change in what parents need to do to help kids grow into successful adults: Offer unconditional love and acceptance.

"As a parent, I do not think that children's self-esteem is overrated," noted West Seattle mom Angela Lewis. "I have three children [ages 8 to 14] and it amazes me sometimes on how they view themselves. Children deal with images and appearance on a more vulnerable level than adults do. If a child does not have a person in their life who praises them for their efforts, the child will never be able to grow emotionally."

Portland psychologist Marilyn Sorensen believes the definition of self-esteem, not the actual thing, has been twisted.

"If you view yourself as competent, worthy and loveable, then you have healthy self-esteem," said the author of "The Handbook for Building Healthy Self-Esteem in Children." "If you doubt yourself, then you view everything from the perspective of 'Something's wrong with me.' "

Kids with healthy self-esteem understand their strengths and accept their weaknesses, while those with low self-esteem feel they're defined by their limitations, she said.

Above average

The backlash stems, in part, from the overapplication of self-esteem to cure all psychological ills. Most Americans lean toward the high end of self-esteem, with the average person regarding him or herself as "above average" already, the 2003 review found. "Our findings do not support the continued widespread efforts to boost self-esteem in the hope that it will by itself foster improved outcomes," the authors noted.

The review, led by Florida State University professor Roy Baumeister, concluded studies haven't shown good self-esteem improves academic, personal or professional achievement. Doing well in those areas, however, helps people value themselves more. Confusing cause-and-effect in this arena could backfire.

"Suppose, for example, working hard in school leads to good grades, and good grades lead to high self-esteem," the authors wrote. Since high self-esteem feels good, it reinforces that hard work. "If a school program intervenes directly to boost self-esteem regardless of academic performance, then students can enjoy the rewards of self-esteem without making the effort. One major incentive to work hard would thereby be eliminated."

Elliott, for one, rails against the standard of handing out trophies to every kid who plays on a sports team. "There's nothing wrong with letting kids know you're proud they tried," explained Elliott, co-author of "Hollow Kids: Recapturing the Soul of a Generation Lost to the Self-Esteem Myth." "But if a kid who's not particularly athletic can have a shelf stuffed with trophies, what meaning does it have?"

If kids feel badly because only players who won a tournament get a prize, that's OK, Elliott says. "Disappointment is part of life; we all have to contend with it." Otherwise, kids grow into adults who expect big raises just for showing up for work, he added.

Or, as retired principal Garnet Logan puts it, "No one wants a brain surgeon who's been told there are no grades and no need for qualifications."

This is the feel-good aspect of self-esteem that many experts say got taken too far, in the form of parents encouraging an inflated sense of children's abilities, failing to set appropriate limits and overpraising and pampering kids.

The focus on "loving me because I'm me" ignored important values such as loyalty, honesty and compassion, Elliott said. He notes that people with low or very high self-esteem actually share a prominent trait: They're self-absorbed. Any attempt to boost these kids' self view just encourages more navel gazing, he said.

"Our society has turned from a focus on connections, relationships and the external world to obsessive preoccupation with internal self-worth," his book notes.

How to do it right

What does work? Catalano, a UW professor of social work, looked at community, parenting and school-based programs designed to raise healthy and happy kids. He found successful ones shared three critical elements.

Provide a meaningful opportunity for involvement. In the family, this means letting kids participate in decision-making and help out beyond just chores (but those are still important).

Teach a range of social and emotional skills. Help children learn skills to solve problems on their own, deal with anger and make friends.

Recognize the positive as well as correct what needs to be done better. Studies find the majority of comments from parents are critical — as much as two-thirds to three-quarters of their feedback to kids, Catalano said. "There has to be balance."

When adults who overcame adversity were asked what helped them become successful, "the No. 1 response was they had one person who believed in them and stood by them," Brooks said. "Kids need to feel unconditional love. That's the basic foundation of self-worth and resiliency."

Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com or 206-464-2091.