A mom wonders what's wrong with her because she feels like her young children are "sucking the life" out of her. Another with a wide social circle worries something is wrong with her son, who has only a handful of friends.
In both cases, nothing is "wrong": It's a matter of personality.
Personality style — particularly the popular Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which divides people into 16 types — has long been used with college students (career development) and corporations (managing employees). But it's also a useful tool at home for understanding parenting, said Janet Penley, co-author of the new "MotherStyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths."
The practical, example-filled book is based on research with 600 mothers, personal interviews and the "Mothers of Many Styles" workshops Penley led for 18 years.
"Hundreds of parenting books focus on what a child needs to be nurtured," said the mom of a 25- and 22-year-old. "Very few look at what moms need."
Much parenting advice is "one size fits all," both for kids and parents, Penley said. Personality assessments don't explain everything, but they do help parents customize their strategies, she said. (Though geared to moms, Penley says about 80 percent of her characterizations also apply to dads.)
Understanding personality types can help parents in several ways, including:
Stop judging (yourself and others): On the playground or at a play date, moms see other mothers handle situations in different ways. Moms may conclude, "Either she's doing it wrong and she's a bad mother, or she's doing it right and I'm the bad mother."
Care tips for moms
You'll be more relaxed if you play to your personality strengths — and work on weaknesses.
Extroverted: Don't overdo it; learn to say no. Enjoy time out with friends. Use employment, volunteer work or a moms group to connect with others.
Introverted: Take half an hour to an hour every day for solitude. Consider adult-led classes rather than mom-and-child programs. Adapt volunteer requests that require too much interaction ("I can't chaperone the dance, but I could help decorate.")
Sensing: Revitalize yourself with rich sensory experiences, such as gardening or a bubble bath. If you're in a rut, brainstorm new possibilities with your child (for example: fun new things to try together or ways to tackle a problem).
Intuitive: Give yourself a break from reality by watching a movie, reading a book or trying a new interest. Practice living in the moment.
Thinking: Find ways to validate your competence through employment or volunteering. Balance criticism of kids with praise. Don't try to solve problems so fast that you ignore hurt feelings.
Feeling: Take time off from being constantly needed. Remember what you used to enjoy. Forget total family harmony; some conflict is OK.
Judging: Have a place or project of your own to control, organize and complete. Retreat here to regain your sense of order. Find fun things to do with kids that interest you so you're more engaged. Try some spontaneous weekends.
Perceiving: Set aside at least one unscheduled morning or afternoon. Start with a crisis list rather than a to-do list; sticking to the essentials will help you focus. Don't set a lot of rules you'll ultimately cave on; instead, communicate basic ideals ("We don't hit each other in our family"). Limit kids to one structured activity a week.
Source: "MotherStyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths"
But it's not an either/or, Penley insists. "Moms may approach mothering in totally different ways and still be good mothers," she said. "Each brings their natural strengths to parenting."
This also means there are no perfect mothers. "Women can't expect to be equally good at all aspects of mothering," she said. A mom who provides kids with a structured schedule will help them feel secure and safe. But the same mom may struggle to adapt to, say, a last-minute change in the carpool or not get angry at a child who balks at her timeline.
Penley finds her approach is especially affirming for moms who don't fall into common personality styles (people are not divided evenly among the 16 styles). Traditionally, an extroverted, feeling-oriented mom "personifies" motherhood; some moms may feel they don't measure up to this homey, energetic image.
Re-energize: For their kids' sake, moms often do things that don't come naturally. But done too much or for too long, it's like a right-hander using her left. Moms end up exhausted and irritated.
Penley felt compelled to participate in her extroverted son's many social activities. "It was such a drain on me, I would end up exploding," she said. "I learned I had to retreat before I reached my limit."
Recognize shortcomings and try some coping strategies, but cut yourself a break, Penley says. Most importantly, "If you learn to give yourself what you need to maintain your energy so you're not worn down, you can improve your mothering dramatically."
When Penley's children were little, her mother-in-law encouraged her to go out to lunch with friends. But Penley found she returned with just as little patience. After discovering she was introverted, she hired a baby-sitter to take the children to the park while she stayed home alone. Then it was easier to be patient and attentive.
Talking types
Seem like your child isn't listening to you? Try an approach tailored to his personality. "MotherStyles" suggests how to get kids to do the laundry:
Feeling: Take time to connect with your child before getting to the point. Explain how the idea helps or affects you. Express need and admiration instead of criticism. Feel free to be flowery. "Sweetheart, I'm the luckiest mom to have such a helpful son. How would you like to do me a big favor? You could really make me happy by putting some clothes in the dryer. I'll give you 10 thank-you hugs for your help." (Note: If you have young children or don't know their personality type, Penley suggests starting with this feeling communication style, which universally appeals to children.)
Sensing: Be factual and direct. Give specific directions: "Take the wet clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer. Close the door tightly. Press the silver button to start. Listen for the clothes tumbling."
Intuitive: Be enthusiastic and imaginative. Be open to kids adding their own ideas and solutions. "Did you know there is a hungry, fire-breathing dragon living in our dryer? Could you go feed him some wet laundry?"
Thinking: Be logical, brief and involve them in problem-solving. Explain the reasons and appeal to their need for challenge and competence. "I want you to help me with the laundry because I have a lot to get done today. Do you think you can figure out how to work the clothes dryer? You're getting older, and I think you're capable of more responsibility."
Source: "MotherStyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths," Janet Penley with Diane Eble (Da Capo Lifelong Books, $16.95)
Accept family members: Most families share some traits, but clashes and misunderstandings are common when personalities don't align.
Feeling-oriented parents, for example, may feel unloved by thinking-oriented children, who tend to show affection with respect and honest feedback instead of gushy kisses.
On each of the four personality continuums, Penley and her son are exact opposites. Understanding these differences — he wasn't just trying to bug her or push her buttons — transformed their interactions. "It was potentially a disastrous relationship," Penley said. "It took a while to get the hang of mothering him. But we turned it into something good."
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