By this point, halfway through summer break, many parents are crazed from listening to siblings bicker. Stuck together for more time than usual (when does school start again?) and away from structured routines, kid fighting can dampen the joys of vacation.
To help families regain some peace, we compiled these tips.
Find a project. "When siblings work together on something, they are less likely to fight," explained Bridgett Blackburn, a parent educator at Bellevue Community College. Some examples: Plan for a family trip; put on a play or show for family and friends; build a block fort; play a game pitting kids against parents.
Set some structure. "If there is nothing to do, then picking a fight with a sibling is an easy way to stir things up," Blackburn notes. Try to plan at least one activity each day; for example, swimming lessons or free swim, going to the park, play dates, a family walk, visiting a museum. "This is a way of having some structure for children to anticipate."
Allow special toys. Let kids designate certain toys as off-limits. These must be determined ahead of time, and played with in their own rooms (not flaunted). In theory, this should encourage peaceful sharing of remaining toys.
Encourage cooperation. It's easy to use competition to motivate kids ("Who can clean up their toys faster?") but that's not a good message. Instead, set a timer and have them race to beat the clock together. A weekly team chore — with the whole family pitching in — can model working together.
Keep it happy. Parents hate to interrupt when kids play well together. But listen for clues that the playtime is going downhill and head it off before it escalates. Invite kids to try a new activity outside or read them a book or offer a snack. They're likely to engage better after a little break.
Talk it over. Hold a family meeting to discuss what each person can do to reduce sibling fights. Let the kids generate solutions. "They can be more creative than tired parents sometimes," says Blackburn.
To each his own. When older kids get frustrated by younger ones, encourage activities that each can enjoy at his or her own level. For example: art projects, play dough, puppets, dress-up, listening to a story.
Change the venue. Go outside or head to a park.
Get moving. Zoning out in front of TV or video games too long can lead to pent-up energy that gets unleashed through fighting. Physical activity (riding bikes, playing tag) channels that energy in a positive way and can help release anger after an altercation.
Look for triggers. Do sibs always fight right before a meal? Maybe it's worth giving them the fruit part of their lunch early while you make sandwiches, or some carrots and dip before dinner. Or mandate that the half-hour before a meal (when they're hungry and you're distracted) must be spent separately in their rooms. If one toy always causes a fight, maybe it needs a long-term timeout until kids are older.
Make a cooperative reward system. To reduce fighting on a long car drive (or overall vacation), divide the time into segments (by hours maybe for a car trip or by morning, afternoon and night for a vacation). Give children a point (or ticket or star) for each time section they both get along. When they reach 10 or 12 points, offer a mutual reward such as seeing a movie or getting pizza.
Plan alone time. "Too much togetherness breeds arguments," Blackburn warns. "Don't always plan all-family outings, or if you do, split up the children and adults differently so that children get a break from each other."
Invest in headphones. If kids can't get away from each other physically (say, in a car), get them each a tape player to listen to their own music or book on tape.
Set aside one-on-one time with a parent. This reduces squabbles for attention.
Ending fights
Set a time limit. To stop endless bickering, give kids five minutes to resolve an issue. Offer a shared incentive if they manage it (playing a game with them) or a shared consequence if they don't (a chore to do together, losing the disputed game/toy/show or going to separate rooms).
Make a schedule. If they fight over what show to watch or who uses the computer, help them write out a plan. Or some families alternate days so one child gets first pick of everything one day while the other gets precedence the next day.
Don't tell kids they can't be mad. Parents may prohibit shouting or physical violence, but they should acknowledge anger and help kids find ways to appropriately express it to siblings. For example: "I don't want to play when you knock down my towers" instead of "I hate you! (kick)"
Sources: "The Baffled Parents Guide to Sibling Rivalry," Marian Edelman Borden (Contemporary Books, 2003); " 'Because I Said So': Family Squabbles & How to Handle Them," Lauri Berkenkamp and Steven Atkins (Nomad Press, 2003); Iowa State University Extension; "Kid Cooperation," Elizabeth Pantley (New Harbinger Publications, 1996); www.sylviarimm.com/sibling4.htm.
