When a child faces adversity - divorce, ill sibling, death of a friend or grandparent, family moving, pet dying - what he needs more than anything is one person to step in and support him.

You might think a parent would be the one to support the child emotionally through this trying time. But in reality, parents are often dealing with their own grief and might not be able to offer support to the child.

If you're the aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, neighbor or godparent of a child facing misfortune, you might need to step in and offer her extra time and attention that her parents can't provide.

If you're the person to step in, you need to recognize where the child's level of resiliency lies and help her adjust, manage, cope - and eventually bounce back.

It will be your job to encourage the child to communicate his feelings and thoughts. The easiest way is through imaginary play. Older kids, of course, can talk about what's happening. By talking or playing about the misfortune, the child will gain positive attention and ideas from you. If a child won't talk, just engaging in an activity with him can help.

You, the parent substitute, can help the child develop problem-solving skills by asking, "What would you like to do for your ill sister?" When the child feels wronged, you can have her write down her thoughts and feelings, or dictate them for you to put on paper. Maybe you can pray with her, allowing her to shout her anger at God for putting her in this situation.

If it's you who steps in, you need to help the child believe in his own effectiveness. He needs to realize that although external events have caused problems, he can assume responsibility for making the situation better. You, the adult guide, won't allow the child to see himself as a victim, but instead point out to him his own effectiveness.

You also need to help the child find other nurturing people outside the family. No one person can parent alone; when tragedy occurs, assistance from teachers, therapists and clergy can help.

You can also help the child develop his intellectual gifts so he can feel some level of competency and control amid the turmoil. The child needs to be offered an optimistic view of life; he needs to know that even if life seems overwhelming right now, the pain will subside.

When a child faces adversity, she doesn't necessarily need a program or organization to offer help (though sometimes they must get involved). What she needs most is one person to step in and be her advocate when her parents can't.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.<>