DEAR MS. FAULL: I am the proud mother of 2 1/2-year-old and 2-month-old girls. My older daughter does not listen to anything I tell her. She tells me "no," "I don't want to" and "I don't think so" all the time. I have tried everything - timeouts, spankings, no TV, no friends over and no playing on her new swing set - but nothing seems to work. Any suggestions? Thank you.

- A mom

DEAR MOM: I do not have any disciplinary techniques to stop your toddler from saying "no," "I don't want to" and "I don't think so." Just as running, jumping and climbing go with toddlerhood, so do these familiar lines of defiance.

Could you get a toddler to stop running, climbing and jumping? No. As toddlers, they're refining those physical skills. Though you don't allow a toddler to run in a parking lot, climb on a banister or jump on your new sofa, you know to provide a place where it's acceptable to develop those abilities.

There's no way to punish these behaviors away, since they're necessary for normal growth and development. So, too, are all those "no's."

Why do toddlers seem to go overboard with being disagreeable? When children are babies, there's a meshing of emotional and physical space between parent and child. Babies don't know where they begin and end, and where the parent begins and ends.

Somewhere between 18 months and 2 years, the child discovers she's a separate individual. She must prove it by saying, "No! I do it my way. Leave me alone."

So don't take all this defiance personally. It's not you against her. When she says "no," reiterate it back to her: "Boy, I can tell you don't want to pick up your toys." Then decide how you'll respond. Get her to put one toy away. Or put the toys away together, or forget it for now because she's tired and hungry, and the scene could turn ugly if you persist.

With every stage of development - infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, school-age, teen - come certain disconcerting behaviors that baffle, annoy and antagonize parents. For the parent of a toddler, it's the proliferation of "no's" that frustrates even the most patient and understanding parent.

I realize you may not completely appreciate what I'm saying, but I'm trying to alter your frame of mind in respect to the toddler years. As you've learned, spanking, timeouts and restricting are not effective disciplinary techniques, so there's no need to keep using them. These may be effective for a 4-year-old (though I don't endorse spanking at any age), but for toddlers they simply won't help you reach your parenting goal.

Ask yourself: "What is my goal?" I'm assuming it's getting this negativity out of your child's system and developing more cooperation.

Expect that your toddler will say "no." By doing less about it during this stage of development - rather than more - you'll accomplish your goal of more cooperation by the preschool years.

Go to my Web site, www.janfaullparenting.com, click on "contents," then scroll down to "class handouts." Post on your refrigerator the one titled, "17 Ways to Manage Your Toddler's Behavior." By using these techniques, you'll better manage your child's behavior, enjoy this exciting period of her life and help her enter the preschool years a more cooperative person with less of a need to prove her independence.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.<>