Most children at some point in their life say, "I'm running away." What's a parent to say and do? Do you bar the door; proclaim your undying love and devotion while pleading with your 7-year-old to reconsider his decision? Probably not.

Yet one woman recalled with sadness her mom's response, "Well, go ahead, I'll help you pack your bags." She remembered sitting on the porch thinking, "I don't have anywhere to go; I guess I'll just have to live here, even if my mom doesn't want or love me."

Of course the mom did love her child very much and didn't want her to run away, but she wanted the child to appreciate her home and wasn't about to beg her to stay.

A better response would be, "I love you, I would miss you if you ran away. This is your home; I'll do everything possible to keep you from running away." Then it would be appropriate to read the classic children's book "The Runaway Bunny," by Margaret Wise Brown.

Most parents know this book about the little bunny who declares that he's running away. He imagines place after place that he runs away to and then the mother bunny in turn follows her little bunny to all the imagined places. In the end, they find themselves back at their own home, and the bunny decides that he might as well stay and be her little bunny.

The message to parents is clear: Children fantasize about running away, but parents need to let their children know it isn't an option. This doesn't mean, however, that if a child threatens to run away because mom or dad won't buy him the latest video game that you should run out and buy it.

But it does mean that parents need to consider why the child was compelled to make the declaration, "I am running away."

Maybe all the child needs is a few more choices and a bit more freedom appropriate to her age and development. It's important to realize that parenting is a constant turnover of power, control and competency from the parent to the child. This fact means that at age 7 certain limits and controls that parents impose aren't appropriate by the time the child turns 10.

Let's say a 7-year-old receives $10 from Grandma for his birthday; his parents say the money has to go in the bank. This same child is allowed to ride his bike around the cul-de-sac, no farther. Additionally, mom organizes and arranges his bedroom. The 7-year-old complies.

At age 10, however, the child wants to decide how to spend that $10 from Grandma. He wants to venture around the block on his bicycle and decide how to arrange and organize his bedroom.

If parents don't let up, expand the child's boundaries, offer the child more control of his life, the child might say, "I'm running away."

So when your child makes the claim to run away, let your child know that you won't allow him to do so, but consider tossing over more power and control, thus establishing a new balance between you and him.

When a teen threatens to run away, the reasons are probably not that different from the younger child.

The situation becomes frightening because teens actually can develop and execute a plan to escape home.

At this point parents really need to assess, "Am I too controlling of my child's whereabouts, behavior and attire?" If a parent of a teen is caught in this position and can't sort it out, it's time to call a counselor with expertise in teen development and behavior. No parent wants to paint his or her teen into a corner where he feels his only option is to run away and ends up doing something dangerous or regrettable.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.