Some children entertain themselves quite nicely, others insist mom or dad play with them on their terms and time frame. In time a habit develops in which the child won't play unless mom or dad is right next to him. It's almost as if the child is jealous if his parent needs to occupy herself or himself with a task or activity other than the child.
When the parent tries to persuade the child to play by herself, the child refuses; a power struggle ensues.
It's difficult when the parent needs to fold laundry and the child insists, demands or even throws a tantrum until the parent stops to play. Now some parents skillfully involve the child in folding the clothes, others wait for when the child naps. Many couples play parent tag, one is "it" and then the other is "it." The parent who is "it" is in charge of entertaining the child.
If parents endlessly indulge their toddler or preschooler, leaving their task as the child demands, not only does the parent not get anything done, but the child doesn't learn to manage his own time and interests.
It's important to know children need attention, which includes being noticed and recognized and therefore equates to love; attention affirms a child's existence. Yet children are not picky. While they'd prefer attention directed at them for the positive things, they'll settle for it even if it's in negative forms such as yelling, scolding, or demeaning communications directed toward them. It's best for the child if parents offer 95 percent of their attention in positive interactions.
By the time a child is a toddler, he should be able to go off happily by himself for a little while, engage in an activity without a parent being involved. Of course, the child comes back to check in with the parent, showing what he's doing or has accomplished. He does so simply because parents remain for years the most important person in the child's life.
If you have one of those kids who needs you right by her side nonstop, you can develop a plan to break this habit. Now some children will go off on their own to play for a little while, and then that's the parent's cue to scurry around and get a few things done. But if you want to create a time when your child is to entertain himself while you read, work on the computer or pay bills, do what one single mom did.
After dinner she would sit down on the sofa with her two children, ages 2½ and 4, and read them a story. Then she would have available several of her children's favorite books for them to look through. Next she would state, "I'm going to read my novel for five minutes while you look at your books." She would then set a timer.
If the children bugged or bothered her or each other, she'd ignore them, pretending to read her novel. When the timer dinged, she would read another book to her children. After about three days her children would spend these five minutes looking at their books. Once the five-minute reading time was well established, she extended the time to 10 minutes. In three weeks this mom developed a 45-minute reading period for the family and created in her children a lifelong habit that would serve them well in school and life.
Any parent can adapt this same technique to a variety of situations. Just realize that it takes persistence and a plan on the part of the parent to create a habit where children are content spending time on their own in a productive activity.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
