Debbie, the mom of 7-year-old Erica, was distressed and feeling guilty because as she was paying bills her daughter was bugging her. "Let me lick the envelopes. Can I put the stamps on? When are you going to be done? Can I use the calculator?"

Finally, at the end of her parenting rope, Debbie screamed, "Will you just shut up!" The child stopped for a moment, stunned, but then asked again to be involved.

Even with online banking, a young one might be at a parent's knees asking to push keys on the keyboard, move the mouse and push the right or left click.

Parenting is stressful, emotional and even infuriating at times. What parent hasn't said something regrettable? When it happens, forgive yourself and think of a different approach for next time.

There's not a parent who hasn't said thoughtless words to his or her kids. If you think you're the only one who speaks in inconsiderate ways, tune in to parents when you're in public or at family gatherings. You'll hear plenty of unthinking comments.

• At a store where a parent is frustrated with buying shoes for her daughter: "You're more trouble than you're worth."

• At your sister-in-law's home: "I can't believe it. You're 10 years old and you still don't know how to set the table."

• A mom attempting to leave the child-care center with her toddler: "If you don't hurry up and get your coat, I'll leave you."

• A dad to his 6-year-old who is screaming, "I don't like you!" The dad's response, "I don't like you either."

• It's conference time at your child's school and you overhear a dad say to his daughter, "You'll never amount to anything; you're just not living up to your potential."

While most parents occasionally say regrettable things to their children, what happens when such demeaning remarks occur frequently? Self-esteem deteriorates and character diminishes. Behavior doesn't change or improve; in fact, it usually gets worse.

So instead of "Shut up," say, "Erica, I need you to color quietly for five minutes, and then I will allow you to put the stamps on the envelopes." Setting a timer really helps, the child then monitors it rather than you.

Instead of, "You're more trouble than you're worth," how about, "I didn't know buying shoes could be so exasperating. Maybe I'll ask Grandma to manage this task next time."

Instead of, "Hurry up or I'll leave you," just pick the child up and head out the door.

Instead of, "I don't like you either," try, "I know you don't like me sometimes, and you know sometimes I don't like what you do, but I always like and love you." It's important for parents to keep in mind that they are the mature, responsible adult. Sometimes parents don't want to be but it's required of them, nevertheless.

Instead of, "I can't believe you don't know how to set the table," show your child how to go about the task. Get the child started; prompt him along with the expectation that he will complete the task.

Instead of, "You'll never amount to anything," it's better to hold your tongue because the child just might live up to negative expectations; the statement could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You can be certain the following statements only harm children and serve no purpose:

"Hey, stupid, don't you know how to listen?"

"You're pathetic. You can't even do the dishes without making a mess."

"I wish you were never born."

"Get out of here. I'm sick of looking at your face."

If these lines slip off your tongue, it's time to receive help by taking a parenting class or seeing a counselor or therapist. Remember the old adage that starts out, "Sticks and stones"? It's time to change it to: "Sticks and stones will break my bones and words will hurt me, too."

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.