Lying is a common yet perplexing behavior most children try out. It's neither catastrophic nor unforgivable when a child tells a lie; yet parents need to know how to respond so that lying doesn't become a habit.
Most preschool-aged children don't lie. In fact, usually they're overly honest. Debbie found this out when stopped by a police officer for speeding, her excuse, "Well, officer, I'm sorry but my child is sick, I'm rushing to the doctor's office."
From the back seat 4-year-old Willy corrects her, "I'm not sick, Mommy, we're going shopping, aren't we?"
When kids are 5 or 6 years old they may try out lying. Here are some potential situations that might help parents to raise children who tell the truth rather than lie.
Let's say you and your 5-year-old child are alone at home. There are four cookies on a plate. You say to Carrie, "Please don't eat any cookies. I'm saving them for after dinner."
You go outside to work in the yard and return to see one cookie missing. You didn't eat it, you know Carrie did, so don't set her up to lie by asking, "Did you eat a cookie?" Instead just lay out the facts, "I know you ate this cookie, now you won't have one for dessert."
Another parent comes home to a broken window. Sam, 12, who is already home has absolutely no idea how it happened. According to him, it was broken when he got home.
There is no evidence to refute Sam's story, so the parent must believe him. Doing so builds trust, which is essential to the parent-child relationship.
The next week the same parent comes home to another broken window; there are bats, balls and several boys playing in the yard. Sam rushes up with mixed emotions of excitement and fear to relate the episode involving a home run and the broken window.
The parent is outraged because there's another broken window to deal with. The parent sends everyone home, has Sam clean up the broken glass and demands that he use his birthday money to pay for the damage.
Once calm, the parent remembers to approach Sam with, "It's too bad about the window, but the most important thing is that you told me the truth."
In another family, their 6-year-old is going through a phase of telling tall tales. This child has a vivid imagination that sometimes runs wild.
Mom says the following to her storyteller, "That's a wonderful story, but it didn't really happen, it's fiction. Tell me your story again, I'll take down your dictation and then you can illustrate your story. We'll want to remember this story forever." With this approach the parent isn't squelching the child's creativity, but is helping him separate fantasy from reality.
Another day the same child comes home from school elated, "No spelling test tomorrow, our teacher canceled it." This information doesn't ring true.
"You know, that doesn't sound right to me. I'm going to e-mail your teacher to make sure you've got the facts right." No need to accuse the child of lying, but as a responsible parent it's OK to check a child's facts. As it turned out, the child was half right. The spelling test was postponed until Monday.
In another family, Dad's fingernail clippers are missing and no one claims to know where they are. Two days later Dad finds them in the oldest child's bedroom. The child is caught in a lie.
Dad speaks to his disappointment by affirming that he doesn't lie to his children, and that he expects them to tell the truth. Then he has the child put the fingernail clippers where they belong, and he drops the subject.
When a child tells a lie, address it with a stern reprimand but avoid labeling him a liar. Doing so dooms the child to live up to that negative label.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists
