When parents help children work through difficult situations, it helps the child build emotional strength.
During the school year, many a parent gets the "I can't do this project" whine. Take, for example, a sixth grader sitting at the kitchen table overwhelmed with the task of writing a report on hurricanes — due the next day. He's read about hurricanes, knows the scientific aspects and meteorological reasons for them occurring, and has discussed them at length with his parents and teacher.
Yet at the moment of putting pencil to paper, he begins to cry, "I can't do it. You write it for me, Mom. I'll tell you what to say."
What's the parent to do? It's not a good idea to say, "Stop that crying right now, get a grip, grow up, and attend to the situation at hand." It's not advised to write the report for the child. It's not recommended to forgo the work for now and ask the teacher for an extension on the assignment.
Scolding, although tempting, won't help either. In fact, it might make it worse by accelerating the emotions of the moment. Using the "I told you so" line such as, "I told you to get started earlier in the week. You've put writing this report off to the last minute, and now you don't even know how to get started," won't help either.
Trying to convince the tearful child that he's got all it takes to finish the project, while most likely true, doesn't help the child.
Instead all this mom needs to do is sit next to her son, put her hand on his arm and say to him, "You can sit here and cry and cry as long as you like, and I'm going to sit right here next to you. And when you're finished crying, then you will need to write your report."
In another situation a mom used a similar approach. Sadly, her 8-year-old daughter's cat died. The next morning the child was still sad, so the mother allowed her to stay home and mourn the cat's death. The mom realized that her child was simply too emotional to function effectively at school. While at home, the mother and child gathered pictures of the cat and put them into a little book remembering the cat's life.
The next day, the child came to breakfast, with red eyes and a tear-stained face, "I just can't go to school, I'm too sad." Certainly the child was mournful. Yet the mother decided that one day of private mourning was adequate, so she said, "I understand that you're sad again today. Nevertheless, you'll need to go to school today; you can be sad at school as well as at home. You can tell your teacher and friends about the cat and even take your book if you like."
Similar situations arise daily in parenting. With tears and tantrums, children attempt to get out of work, responsibilities and obligations. Their sadness tugs at parents' heartstrings. No parent serves their child well by either dismissing emotions or allowing the child to forgo a responsibility because they're emotional.
Of course, parents need to make sure that the task is well within the child's realm of skill and ability. It's unfair to insist a child complete a task if he's not equipped or mature enough to take it on.
When appropriate, this approach provides two functions. First, the child learns that his feelings are real and valid. He also learns that feelings can overwhelm him, and when they do a loving parent will stay right by his side. Second, the child realizes that even though he feels emotional, those feelings will pass and, when they do, he is still required to complete the task at hand.
As a child matures, he eventually nurtures himself through emotional struggles. When he reaches this point, he's on the road to emotional strength.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists
