Dear Jan: My 10-year-old daughter has always loved playing dress-up and applying makeup.
Recently she announced that when school starts in the fall (she'll be in fifth grade), she's going to wear lipstick.
We've had a couple of fights about this. I just feel she's too young. What is a good age for girls to start wearing makeup?
— A mom
Dear Mom: The year a child turns 10, although not typically recognized as a significant developmental milestone as compared with the terrible twos or the turbulent teens, actually is what some refer to as the "turnover year." This term means that by age 10 — whether parents like it or not — children hold half of the control of their lives while parents hold the remaining 50 percent.
As children continue to mature beyond age 10, they grasp in bits and pieces more responsibility and accountability for own their actions and decisions.
This fact, however, does not preclude parents from continuing to exert their influence, offer advice and say "no," particularly when issues involve the child's health, safety and the family's values.
Makeup, hairstyles and clothing are gray areas in parenting in which there are no hard-and-fast rules. Each parent and child pair needs to settle on certain parameters without resorting to heated arguments, which usually make the issue bigger than it really is.
There is something about girls in elementary school wearing makeup that just doesn't sit well with most parents. Go ahead and tell your daughter that you understand and appreciate her interest in makeup and dress-up. You want to work with her regarding this issue.
Let her know that when she's at home she can experiment with outrageous outfits and exotic makeup all she wants, but outside the home — school, social events and extracurricular activities — you cannot allow her to wear lipstick or makeup. Tell her it's inappropriate while she's in elementary school and, besides, she's beautiful without it.
She might be appeased with tinted lip gloss that gives a little sheen and color to her lips but doesn't give the look of full-blown lipstick. Let her know that when she's in junior high or middle school, then you will bless her interest in wearing makeup outside the house.
When that time arrives, take her to a store where a person who sells makeup can show her how to apply it in a way that enhances her looks but doesn't make her look like a Barbie doll. Some girls with fair features look better with a little makeup, others need none. By the time early adolescence hits, a professional may educate your daughter far more successfully than dear old mom.
Realize that even if you make this rule about lipstick, your daughter might sneak a tube of it in her backpack and apply it once at school. If you catch her doing so, confiscate the lipstick and state how disappointed you are that she violated the rule you established. Also tell her that you're embarrassed to think that she's sitting in her classroom and walking around her elementary school wearing lipstick.
Don't, however, punish her further. You might feel inclined to grab all the makeup she owns and throw it into the trash or restrict her from going to a friend's birthday party. Resist, as doing so might only escalate the lipstick power struggle. She may become sneakier, more obsessed with applying it and more determined to undermine your values and rules.
Because dress-up and makeup have been a lifelong interest of your daughter's, combined with the influence of certain female entertainers little girls attempt to emulate, you're probably fighting a losing battle. Nevertheless, exert your power, control and influence as best you can while not losing the loving relationship that exists between you and your daughter.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. E-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists
