Disdain, sarcasm and demeaning remarks have no place in parenting.

Disdain involves body language and tone of voice that communicate contempt, such as, "This is the worst thing that anyone could ever do." Most of the inappropriate and unacceptable behaviors that children exhibit can be frustrating and irritating, but they aren't contemptuous acts.

Disdain tells the child that you dislike not simply what the child did, but that you feel contempt for the child himself. If a parent truly feels contempt, it's time to seek professional help because you're not only going to be ineffective in guiding the child on the road to improved behavior, but you'll teach the child to loathe himself.

Sarcasm confuses young children. The parent is saying one thing and really meaning another. "Oh great, the house is a mess and Grandma will be arriving for dinner in 20 minutes. Thanks for your help putting toys away." The parent is saying "great" and "thanks," but the surly tone of voice communicates disapproval. The child is left bewildered without knowing how to remedy the situation. It's better to say, "I'm frustrated because I asked you to put your blocks, cars and train set in your bedroom. Grandma will be here soon, and I worry that she'll trip over the toys in the living room and hallway."

With teens it's OK to use sarcasm as long as the parent's intentions are fun-loving and not mean-spirited. When a teen brings home a mediocre report card and the parent says, "Oh great, there you go making me proud of you again," the child is left wanting, not knowing whether to feel proud or ashamed. It's better to clearly state your disappointment or pride.

Demeaning remarks, such as, "You're just a slob; look at this bedroom," or "You're just inconsiderate; you never say thank you," attack the child's character. Often parents attach a negative label to the child thinking that doing so will initiate change. But labeling usually backfires as the child unknowingly lives up to that negative label. At some level the child thinks, "If you think this is being a slob, I'll show you tomorrow what being a slob really is." The bedroom only gets worse.

It's better to say, "I see dirty jeans, I smell filthy socks and I feel ground-up potato chips in the carpet. The clothes need to go down the laundry chute, the carpet needs vacuuming and only then will I drive you to the mall."

When reprimanding a child, it's best to avoid tongue lashings. To go on and on about a child's inappropriate actions or attitude only serves to reinforce such behavior. The child feels terrible about himself but doesn't know what to do to improve the situation.

When scolding your child because he hasn't lived up to your reasonable expectations for his age and development, be brief, clear and respectful. Offer a reprimand for no longer than 30 to 45 seconds.

Don't shriek or lose control, but don't use a sugary-sweet smiley face when you're feeling anger toward your child. Tell your child what's on your mind, and listen to the child's explanation. Stay engaged as long as you can speak respectfully and lead to some level of understanding.

If you are angry and fear that you're going to hurt your child physically or that you'll attack your child's character, use sarcasm or communicate contempt, retreat until you calm down. Surrender the situation temporarily and come back to the issue later.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.