Dear Jan: My 21-month-old son, Christopher, pulls hair, pushes and bites people when upset. At home I warn him and then do a time out, but what do I do when we're at a play group or on the playground?
He acts out aggressively as a response to being territorial (wanting to be the only one on a slide — or possessive — wanting a toy train all to himself).
Usually when such situations occur in public, I quickly apologize and then redirect Christopher to another activity. I sometimes feel, however, that it's not really fair that he must leave his fun-filled activity just because another kid comes along.
— A Mom
Dear Mom: Please understand that your son's behavior, although frustrating, is typical of many toddlers.
Toddlers are unskilled in social graces such as sharing and taking turns. Your son will likely learn these skills quite nicely by the time he's 3 years old. There's no need to fear that because your son exhibits these hurtful forms of aggression now, that he will always behave this way.
He simply doesn't have the social wherewithal to see from another's perspective or play cooperatively.
About half of social interactions between toddlers are aggressive; by the time they're 3 years old, the number of aggressive behaviors diminishes to 20 percent.
The main reason is that by then children speak their mind rather than acting out aggressively.
It's important to understand that some toddlers by reason of their innate personality are aggressive, others docile.
While perplexing, there's no need to ponder at length why your child is more trying on the playground and in play groups than others.
Instead, develop a plan to nurture him through this difficult period.
In doing so, he'll arrive on the other side of age 3 better able to control himself.
While it's important to stop your son's aggressive attacks, you don't want to meet his aggression with your aggression.
If you turn aggressive, your son's inappropriate physical attacks will escalate rather than gradually drop out of sight.
That being said, you can't allow your child to hurt others. When you're at the park or play group, stay near him. Don't give him the opportunity to attack others.
You must be nearby to step in and stop him from harming others. You can skillfully monitor each situation, seeing that it goes well for your son and the other children.
Sitting on a park bench chatting with other parents cannot be part of your current parenting repertoire.
Redirect him when you can but also know that you can say to a child who wants the toy your son is playing with, "Christopher has the train right now; when he's finished with it, you can have a turn."
When at home or in public if he succeeds pulling hair, pushing or biting, it's important to tell him clearly and respectfully that these behaviors are not OK.
Use a stern face and voice. Hold his hands and body to prevent him from any more aggressive attacks and say, "I know you're frustrated, but I can't allow pushing."
Be cautious about isolating him for a time out. Often isolation brings more frustration. Your son not only needs your physical protection but also your emotional protection as well.
He needs you to prevent or stop his aggressive attacks, but he also needs you near him to validate the emotions that he's experiencing. By doing so, his emotions quickly dissolve.
At 21 months, he doesn't have the self-control to stop himself from hurting others; that's why he needs you near to keep him from hurting others.
By the time he's 3 or possibly a little older, the control you provide naturally transfers from you to him. In time, he'll stop himself and use words to express himself in situations that involve territory and possessions.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
