One Friday evening after dinner, a mother asks her sixth-grade daughter to empty the dishwasher and dry the dishes. The daughter's response: "I'm just too tired. I'll help another time, but tonight I'm just not up to any chores."
With that reply the daughter saunters off to her bedroom. The mother lets the situation pass, thinking, "Everyone has an exhausting day from time-to-time. Usually my daughter helps willingly. I can do the dishes by myself, no problem."
Twenty minutes later with the kitchen tidy, the mom sits down to relax. The daughter re-appears, asking, "Would you mind driving me to Jennifer's house? She's invited me to spend the night."
The mom's answer, "I can't, I'm too tired. It's been an exhausting week. I simply don't feel like getting in the car and driving anywhere."
The daughter doesn't pout, argue or plead, but slinks off to her bedroom realizing that if she had helped with the dishes, her mother probably would have been willing to drive her to Jennifer's.
The mom's response teaches her daughter a lesson in reciprocity. In parenting, moms and dads always do more for their children than children do for them. Nevertheless, situations arise when parents feel they've given enough, and that's when it's perfectly acceptable to call it quits and reply with a friendly but firm, "No."
When you play the reciprocity card, sometimes you'll point it out by stating the obvious, "You know, if you had helped with the dishes, I probably would have been willing to drive you to Jennifer's to spend the night." Other times there's no need to explain, as the child gets it. Reciprocity — giving and receiving — is a life lesson children can learn.
Reciprocity is not tit for tat, keeping score or revenge. It's more about teaching kids to see from another's perspective and to understand that for kids to continuously take without ever giving in return won't serve them well in life. Besides doing for another, helping out or pitching in feels good and ultimately comes around to benefit everyone.
Be aware, however, of using reciprocity with preschool-age children. To say to a young child, "I'm not going to drive you to a friend's house because you didn't put your toys away last night," leaves the child bewildered. A preschooler simply doesn't see the connection between driving somewhere and putting toys away. The parent comes across as mean rather than teaching a lesson in reciprocity.
Save the lesson of reciprocity until a child is between 7 to 9 years old. Another example of reciprocity occurred with a teenager and his dad. The teen was angry and spouted off at his father, ending with, "I have no respect for you. You make these rules for me to live by, and they make no sense. You're living in the dark ages."
As the evening progressed, the teenager cooled off and proceeded after several phone calls to friends to make plans for an upcoming school dance.
Later the same evening the teen, having forgotten about the previous yelling episode, approached the father, "Say, Dad. Homecoming is in three weeks; it looks like I'll need $75. How about it?"
The dad's response: "Earlier this evening you yelled, claiming you had no respect for me. Now you're asking for $75. If I forked that over, I wouldn't be showing any respect for myself. You'll need to find another resource for funding the expenses for the homecoming dance."
That's reciprocity. Use it, but use it sparingly. And when you do, time it well and make sure you're using it for a long-term positive outcome for you and your child.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
