Along with puberty comes increased mental ability. This expanded brain power allows teens to tackle tough academic subjects such as algebra, geometry, computer programming, literature and political science.
Accompanying this broadened ability to think comes the push within every teen to manage and control his or her life.
The wise parent supports his teen's need and ability to think for himself and make certain choices and decisions. The question and challenge for parents is to know how much control they hold and how much control belongs to the teenager.
Teens definitely want to choose their clothes. They feel strongly that how they dress is up to them. Nevertheless, if a son or daughter leaves for school in an outrageous outfit, the parent has the right to give his opinion and offer advice. If, however, your teen insists on a style of dress that a parent disapproves of and a battle ensues, the parent will probably lose. It's extremely difficult to control what a teenager wears.
What about school work? Can a parent make her teenager study harder? Parents can always voice an expectation, "I expect you to receive nothing below a 'B.' " They can also offer a reality check, "In order to be accepted into the colleges you're choosing, you'll need a higher grade-point average." But by the time high school rolls around, kids are making their own academic decisions, and study habits are usually established.
While parents can insist the volume be lowered and that certain kinds of music not be played at home, parents can't control what music a teen listens to in his bedroom out of the home.
Many teenagers actually form social groups according to the type of music they like, so obviously music choice is theirs alone and extremely important.
Parents can't pick their teenagers' friends. If it's obvious a certain friend and trouble go hand in hand, parents may feel perfectly justified in voicing their disapproval. Once a parent has explained her reasons and offered a warning about a poor choice of friend, it's best to drop the issue. It's difficult to control who a teenager spends time with at school and elsewhere.
Teens definitely want control of their bedrooms. They want to decorate them as they choose, and if it's a mess teenagers view it as their problem and choice. Parents can, nevertheless, offer this choice, "Your bedroom must be vacuumed and tidied on Saturday afternoon at 3 p.m. If it isn't, then there's no allowance."
Remember, you've offered your teen a choice: He or she can choose to clean up his or her bedroom and receive an allowance, or the teen can choose to keep it a disaster area and spend the week without any cash. When offering a choice, parents must be willing to live with the choice the child makes.
Does it seem that parents of teens don't have much control? They do. Parents control the keys to the car and the amount of money they offer freely to their teenagers. Parents control the TV, computer and telephone.
You also control the amount of respect you show your teenager. Because teenagers have this newly developed capacity to think, they need their intelligence validated not only by teachers but by parents as well.
Engage teenagers in thoughtful discussions that honor their brain. Also realize that judgment and experience don't come with this expanding brain power. Therefore, when your teen ventures out to apply for a job, prepares for the Scholastic Aptitude Test or drives to the Seattle Center for the first time, step in and offer sound bites of wisdom. Your teen, whether he recognizes it or not, still needs to hear from you.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists.
