When parents do or say something that's clearly out of line, should they apologize?
Moreover, when your child behaves inappropriately, should you insist the child apologize?
The answer both times is "yes."
Let's say your 3-year-old child hits your baby. Rather than simply reprimanding the child by stating sternly, "It's not OK to hit your sister," you fly off the handle screaming, yelling, spanking her and sending her to her room.
You realize you've overreacted — what parent wouldn't? Nevertheless, you're aware that by blowing up, you escalated the emotions of the moment and treated your older child in the manner that you don't want her to behave toward the baby.
Do you rescue her from her bedroom and apologize? Yes.
There's not a parent alive who is exempt from the need to apologize. All parents at some point in their parenting career say or do something regrettable. When you do apologize, you're not only relieving your guilt but modeling the importance of apologizing when a goof-up occurs.
After a brief apology, don't forget to drive home the point, "I can't allow you to hit the baby." You don't want the child's forbidden act forgotten just because you overreacted.
Now let's say your 5-year-old son takes a dollar from his 10-year-old brother's wallet. Older brother catches little brother. Not only does little brother need to return the dollar, he needs to offer an apology.
So you insist, "Tell your brother you're sorry." Little brother refuses. Now what do you do? No parent can force words out of a child's mouth. Therefore, you apologize for him, "I'm really sorry that your brother attempted to take a dollar from your wallet. In our family and in society, it's not OK to take items and money that belong to others." By doing so, the younger brother learns how to script an apology.
Children learn how to manage many social situations by watching their parents. Here your child has the opportunity to watch as you apologize for him. In time he'll learn to apologize.
Some children actually get in the habit of doing inappropriate things believing erroneously that all they need to do about it is apologize and everything will be forgiven and forgotten. Therefore, parents also need to communicate to children that along with an apology, they need to remedy their ways by improving or changing their behavior.
It might take until a child is in late elementary school or middle school before he can on his own volition apologize. It's only the mature and confident child who can do so, but it's also the child who has a conscience — the child who knows what he did was wrong and that he needs to make up for it by apologizing and then atoning for the misdeed.
Therefore the 3-year-old sister needs to pat her baby sister softy three times a day in order to learn how to touch babies appropriately. The 5-year-old who took the dollar needs to not only return the dollar and apologize, but do a chore for his brother, such as empty the dishwasher, feed the dog or empty the garbage can.
More difficult than any of these options for teaching children to apologize is teaching the child to feel remorse. That's where empathy enters the scene. Part of your parenting plan needs to involve saying, "Look at your baby sister's face. She's crying. Hitting hurts." Or, "What would have happened if your brother went to buy something at the store and his money was not there?"
Empathy allows the child to step into the other person's shoes to see from their perspective, eventually arousing remorse. Be patient as your children learn empathy. Some children don't learn it until about 8 years old.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
