When thinking of only children, what comes to mind? Lonely, selfish children who are spoiled, demanding and act too much like an adult?
These notions are passé. The truth is that only children are often leaders who are intelligent and high achievers.
It's time to dispel the old stereotypes, because many parents today choose to have just one child.
Why? Many women seek careers and wait longer to give birth. Then after the birth of a child, many continue to work outside the home. The high cost of child care and child-rearing restricts some parents from adding more children to the family. Of course, some women have trouble conceiving and carrying a child to term; these moms feel blessed with their only child.
There may be times when parents of two, three or four children think parents of onlys are smarter. Especially when your kids are bickering and fighting and when you're feeling torn between the needs of one child over another, don't you occasionally wish in silence that you had only one pair of shoes to tie, one child to drive to baseball practice and one child to tutor the multiplication tables?
For whatever reason parents are having only one, it's interesting to know there is lots of positive evidence in favor of the only child:
• Only children do not necessarily show signs of being unstable or socially handicapped.
• Reports on adult-aged onlys reveal they are happy with career choices, lifestyles, health and hobbies.
• Only children aren't significantly lonelier than others.
• They perform well on intelligence and achievement tests.
• Their self-esteem and mental health does not differ consistently from children who have siblings.
• Only children tend to express a high degree of maturity and social sensitivity at an early age.
• The only child never experiences being dethroned by the birth of a sibling.
That said, there are four disadvantages to watch out for:
First, you might expect this child to be everything to you. With three children, one might be the good student, another the athlete, another the social butterfly. Parents of an only child might expect that child to be all of those. This is unrealistic and unfair.
Second, your child does not have siblings around to learn to share, trade and negotiate. It's your job to provide unstructured opportunities for your child to play with similar-aged children. It's up to you to invite neighborhood or school friends into your home on a regular basis.
Third, you might think of your child as a miniature adult. Many parents of onlys expect their child to behave more maturely than what is realistic for children. Your child will receive the full force of your attention and care but also the full force of your disciplinary style. Be careful to avoid the inclination of being overly demanding and critical of your only child.
Fourth, you could easily exercise the natural parenting tendency to be overprotective. It's difficult for any parent to allow children to manage certain situations. This task seems more difficult for parents of only children. They tend to shield their child from bumps and bruises.
Along with overprotecting also comes the inclination to overparent. One adult only-child remembered the time he was assigned a train report in school. Mom and dad took over. They went to the library, wrote railroading companies for brochures, made a miniature-train layout and organized a ride on Amtrak. They even wrote and organized most of the report.
The child was overwhelmed and overparented. He knew it was his report and not theirs; unfortunately the parents didn't.
Parents of onlys need to be particularly aware when they're interfering in their child's life and when it's beneficial to back off.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
