Dear Jan: I'm the father of a 10-year-old fourth-grader. In this age of violent and inappropriate video games, what conversations can my son and I have about separating fantasy from reality?
We typically choose games together, and I pay close attention to the games' ratings. Unfortunately, some of my son's peers play inappropriate games where people harm each other and commit crimes. Then the boys act out these games during recess, which leads to interesting discussions during our "how was your day at school?" time.
— Concerned Dad
Dear Dad: Everything you're doing is appropriate. You choose the games with your son and play together. As you choose them, you're probably communicating your preferences of one over the other and why.
As the two of you play the game, not only do you have fun together by competing in a positive and pleasant way, but you're using your brains. Your son develops his eye-hand coordination while you keep yours fine-tuned. You most likely discuss the challenges and strategies involved in each game. You probably communicate by example how to win and lose gracefully.
The issue regarding fantasy and reality is an interesting one. Ask your son, "Are the situations in the video games real or pretend?" Most 10-year-olds know that they don't really happen. But that doesn't mean that the effect of playing games involving crimes and hurtful behavior doesn't influence children's behavior and thinking. That's why it's the parent's job to screen the games their children play.
The majority of children who play violent video games are not going to emulate the scenarios in real life — commit crimes and kill people randomly. But more commonly, children become immune to violence or they become overly fearful.
Some children become immune to violence when they experience it in real life or on a video screen and respond in a nonchalant way as if it's no big deal. Other children fear that bad guys similar to those in video games are lurking around the neighborhood ready to attack them or may enter their home to hurt their family.
Neither approach is correct. People need to be horrified at real violence yet not paralyzed by fear.
With respect to the play at recess, there's nothing to do except to talk about it as you're doing. Children's play reflects their experience. The only way you could prevent your son from being exposed to such play would be to home-school him and only have him play with children whose parents hold the same values as you with regard to video games.
It's tough being a parent today. The pull of the popular culture and the natural tendency that draws children to their peers make some parents lose heart. Despite the strong influences out there that seem to be yanking your child from you, be confident that you are still the most powerful influence in his life.
Your son wonders about video games and the circumstances they reveal. He also questions the play that occurs at recess as the result of his friends playing violent games that you've protected him from. He's looking to you to sort out some of this experience for him. Offer him your insights, opinion and perspective.
At age 10 he's willingly open to your influence. When he's a teenager, he'll still be interested in your ideas, but he'll probably scoff at you, roll his eyes, argue his opinion and then huff away. Your job is to muster up the courage to state your opinion and let your son know where you stand. If you don't, pop culture and his peers will end up being parent to your son rather than you, and that's a frightening thought.
Jan Faull is a specialist in child development and behavior. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
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