Dear Jan: My 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend are far too affectionate around my husband and me, and I worry that their public displays of affection are offensive to others too. They are constantly touching — hugging, kissing and often making out in front of us.
They've been dating for six months, so I expect some level of affection, but this is way over the top.
How can I talk to my daughter about toning it down in front of others?
— A mom
Dear Mom: All the years you've parented your daughter, you've most likely given her clues, insights and information about how to behave in a variety of situations.
As children develop over the years, they take on new experiences; they need parents to offer guidance, provide direction and impart wisdom for each new situation the child encounters. They don't just know automatically how to behave given new circumstances.
It's not OK to make out in front of others, and both your daughter and her boyfriend need to know it.
Hand-holding, a quick kiss or an affectionate hug might be OK. Sexual, passionate kissing is not. It's impolite and inappropriate; you're not being provincial or old-fashioned. It's simply off-putting. Such intimacies between two people are for each other when alone.
You're wondering where else they're displaying their affection. It's probably wherever they go: school, the shopping mall, athletic events and at friends' homes.
When you bring up this topic with your daughter and her boyfriend, they will be either angry, embarrassed, anxious or dismissive of your information. Prepare yourself for their initial response, remain calm as you talk, and hold your ground. They won't say, "Thanks for telling us. We really appreciate hearing from you. We'll change our behavior." Nevertheless, they'll take it in and respond, most likely respecting your wishes.
You must also worry about what's going on between them sexually when no one is around.
If they're so free with their affection and use so little restraint in the presence of parents, they most likely have even less sexual self-control when by themselves.
Aren't you concerned that they're sexually active? If they are, there's the obvious risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases but also the concern that sexual intercourse challenges teens emotionally.
Once children go through puberty, their bodies are programmed to procreate. These mature bodies aren't accompanied by mature emotions or a mind that's equipped to keep them from acting on their sexual impulses. With hormones at work and new sensations occurring that feel good, it's difficult for many teens to stop and review the consequences of their behavior. They need hard facts and information.
It's time to talk seriously with your daughter. If you're hesitant to do so, take her to a professional who will impart the facts and fears of teenage sex.
Another possibility to consider is that your daughter, through her unrestrained displays of affection with her boyfriend, is crying out for help. She may be saying, "I don't know how to tell him, 'No!' I need you to help me out here."
While teenage pride can't allow her to come right out and say it, she may be giving you a blatant cue that she's headed for trouble that she can't manage on her own. It's time for mom and dad to take action. Shed your embarrassment and tentative feelings, step up to the parenting plate and say "no" for your daughter's sake.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
