Dear Jan: I have communication issues with my 14-year-old daughter.
Case in point: Last night she asked me — with her girlfriend on the speakerphone — if her friend could spend the night. I told her we would discuss it after she got off the phone.
Once off the phone, she asked again about the sleepover. I let her know I took offense at being put on the spot while her friend was on the speakerphone. She claimed ignorance, not realizing the behavior was unacceptable. Then a 15-minute argument ensued. I called her inconsiderate; she told me I didn't understand her. Needless to say, there was no sleepover.
Any ideas for better communication?
— A Dad
Dear Dad: The situation you describe typifies many interactions between parents and their teens. There's probably no way to completely avoid them.
What you need to think about, however, is that there are two separate issues here. The first involves your daughter's use of the speakerphone and the second whether the friend can spend the night or not. One doesn't necessarily affect the other.
If you could go back and redo the incident, it probably would have been better to keep to the point that you do not want to be put on the spot with a friend listening on the speakerphone.
Once she did hang up, it would have been important to ask for understanding and agreement that no matter what the question, you don't want a friend to overhear a discussion between the two of you.
She'll argue her point; so be it. Your daughter's mind works daily at school to manage complicated subjects and social situations. At home she doesn't return to being a child. She now stands up to you as she does to a teacher in a classroom discussion and peers in a social situation.
The plus side is that such discussions — when not heated or hurtful — actually bond parents to their teens. It's important for you and all parents of teens to bear through them.
Once you've resolved the speakerphone issue, then it's time for you to consider whether the friend can spend the night. It's a separate issue. Here, you as the mature adult, with a somewhat erratic and emotional teenager, need to rise above the emotions of the last situation and give your daughter the benefit of the doubt regarding the next situation.
Maybe she really didn't know the speakerphone rule of family etiquette. Possibly she thought that using a speakerphone was a grown-up thing to do. Maybe she had seen it used in a movie or on TV and wanted to give it a try. Certainly she didn't consider your position, but she probably wasn't malicious in her intent.
It's tough, no doubt. You were mad. You were put on the spot, your teen argued with you, why in the world should you allow her to have a friend over after all that?
Because you're the adult. It's not fair for you to carry your anger from one incident to the next.
You probably would have responded better if you had taken a break from the situation, taken a few deep breaths and then made a decision on the sleepover.
If it was a weekend with no pressing family activities, you wouldn't have lost face by saying with dignity, "I trust that you will not ask such questions with a friend listening again. I don't have a problem with your girlfriend spending the night. You can call her back and tell her she can come over."
If on the other hand, you have a legitimate reason for not inviting the friend over (your fatigue being a good reason), say, "No, she can come another time."
Just because she didn't practice proper family phone protocol doesn't preclude her from learning from the incident and then having you consider her request.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists
