Here is advice from three single moms to other parents — moms and dads — going it alone.
Your children will be your top priority, but avoid letting them totally consume you. Get a baby-sitter or exchange time with a friend and go out for personal time. While arranging time to do so is more difficult for single parents, it's more important, too. An indication that you need more adult interaction is when you use the word "potty" instead of "bathroom" at work.
You can't make up for the missing parent. You'll know you're trying to if you find yourself playing princess with your daughter one minute and then engaging in a wrestling match the next.
Do what you can to have your children interact with adults of the gender of the absentee parent. Also spend some time with traditional families. It's broadening for your child to see there are a variety of ways to be a family.
Keep in contact with relatives: grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. Your children need to be aware of their extended family who love, show interest in, offer care to and support their family.
When you're sick or your child's sick, or when you feel unsafe, you'll need to call out for assistance from the support group of relatives and friends you've cultivated.
Do your best to speak positively about the other parent but at the same time, answer your children's questions honestly and tactfully. Avoid discussing child-support issues with your children, no matter their age. Even though you may feel anger, irritation and abandonment, it's your job and responsibility to set aside your feelings for the child's sake.
Even if a father chooses not to be a part of his child life it's important to say, "Deep in your father's heart he loves you. He lives far away so it's difficult for him to visit. If you like, you can draw a picture and we'll mail it to him."
Don't play role of buddy
It's important for the custodial parent to not see his child as a buddy. While you can usually come across as friendly, you're not the child's best friend nor is your son or daughter yours. If you play the role of buddy or girlfriend to your child, when it's time to step in and say "no" you'll be reluctant to do so as you'll fear losing that "best friend" status.
Determine the types of family activities such as camping or hiking that you would have done if you were a couple and try to do them even though you're on your own. When you stretch yourself to do those things, you're providing the upbringing and activities you always wanted your child to experience. Afterward, be sure to congratulate yourself.
Become involved in your child's activities — team sports, PTA or Sunday-school teaching. When you do, parents of your child's friends will get to know you and will feel comfortable having their child spend time in the home of a single parent for which, unfortunately, there is still a stigma attached.
The pain of not sharing
What's most difficult? There's no one to share the pride or pain. The day your child first walks, rides a bike, learns to read or later becomes valedictorian, the obvious person — the child's mom or dad — may not be available or willing to chime in with the joys of the child's accomplishments.
If your child doesn't follow teachers' instructions, complete assignments, dawdles, whines or pouts, whom do you share your concern with? If your young adult is arrested for underage driving and drinking, whom do you cry with?
The person lending a hand or an ear could be a variety of parent substitutes. You could be that person.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
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