Dear Jan: My 4 ½-year-old is very bossy. When I play with her, I let her be the leader, but I'm getting tired of her barrage of commands. At preschool and play dates, she is starting to clash with her friends because of her bossiness. How do I teach her to not constantly tell people what to do?

— A Mom

Dear Mom: Bossiness relates to leadership. Your daughter may be a future CEO, but at age 4 her natural inclination to take charge comes across as being bossy. While you probably can't eliminate this personality characteristic — nor would you want to — you can help her refine it. Her tendency to lead can serve her well, she just needs help rounding out the edges and smoothing out the rough spots of her officious ways; it may take years.

When she says, "For my brother's birthday I want chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream and chocolate syrup," respond by saying, "Thanks for telling me, now let's ask your brother what he wants." With this approach she sees that other people's opinions are important, too.

When your child says, "Find my doll, I don't know where she is, look for her right now!" Respond by saying, "You need to say, 'Mommy, would you please help me find my doll? I can't find her.' " And then don't look for the doll until she repeats her request using similar words.

If your daughter combines insults with her bossiness, "You're mean, Mommy. I tell you to do something and I want you to do it now." Tell her, "That's disrespectful. The conversation is over for me. I'll talk with you later." Then zip your parenting lip until her language is more appropriate. But remember, it won't be perfect at age 4; look for small steps to improvement.

Be a good model for leadership. Lead your daughter in the manner that you want her to lead others. If you put one hand on your hip and then from your other hand point a finger at your daughter while saying, "Do it my way or else!" be aware that your child will probably follow your leadership style with you and others.

It's also important for her to learn when to be the person in charge and when to let others take charge. You can coach her in situations by quietly saying, "Your scout leader is telling all of us what to do. Let's listen to her. She's in charge of this situation."

When she's playing with friends at preschool or play dates and coming across as bossy, for the time being, let it be. Most likely your daughter will soon realize the consequences of her domineering ways and adjust her behavior.

When you're in charge and being the parent-boss that you are, use the following lines:

• "We need to do it this way."

• "Here's another idea."

• "Let's think about another way."

• "I have a different point of view."

• "I'd like to try this option."

• "How about this way?"

• "What do you think about this approach?"

By hearing and experiencing this nurturing communication style, she'll apply these ways in relationships with her friends.

Be careful not to label her as "bossy." If you do, it will be as if you're placing her in a T-shirt that says, "I'm bossy."

She'll then be more likely to live up to that negative label. The label becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and even more difficult to modify.

Remember your task isn't to squelch her managerial tendencies; it's to help her learn to use this personality trait in positive, pleasant and productive ways.

You're commended for allowing her opportunities to take the lead.

She needs positive opportunities to practice being the boss; the world awaits her.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists