Dear Jan: Throughout the day, my 5-year-old daughter provokes her 2-year-old brother physically: elbows, climbs on, leans into or smooshes him. The same pattern ensues: Brother cries out, "No!" I get upset and say, "It is not OK to push your brother. You need to listen to him." She stops momentarily but then resumes with some other physical provocation. How do I break this disturbing pattern?

— A mom

Dear Mom: To stop these negative altercations between your children, you'll need to vary your response to fit the need in each instance.

Realistically you're not going to make the fighting and rivalry between siblings go away entirely. Siblings provide one another opportunities every day to learn social justice and fairness. Siblings also try out the full range of social skills on one another, everything from helpfulness to negotiation to manipulation. Children know a sibling will be around the next day even if a social interaction turns rotten; with friends that's not always the case.

You'll see the best and worst behavior emerge between your son and daughter.

They'll play well together some of the time, stick up for one another in the neighborhood and have adventures together.

Here are four possible techniques to use when your daughter pokes, prods or pounds her brother.

Step between your daughter and son to stop the physical poking and punching. But only do so if one is truly hurting the other. Also step between them if one is mercilessly teasing or bullying the other or if this is one of several altercations in the day and you simply can't tolerate any more screams or tiffs.

Or step into the scene and referee. Describe what you see, "I see big sister elbowing little brother. I can't allow one child I love to hurt another child I love. How are you going to solve this problem?"

Here you're the arbitrator, helping your children learn to negotiate and compromise. You might also, depending on the situation, teach them skills in fair play that include sharing, taking turns or trading

Or step near and just watch, saying nothing. Call it "proximity control." Often by simply moving in their vicinity children rise to a better level of behaving. By being nearby the children know you'll step in if need be, but also there's tacit understanding that you expect them to stop the altercation and resolve it.

Or simply stay away. If you see or hear this elbowing, climbing, leaning or smooshing behavior but you know confidently it's not going to get any worse, walk away. Doing so sends the message, "I know you can resolve this mini wrestling match on your own. I'm going to walk away in order to give you the opportunity to manage the situation without me getting involved."

Choosing from among these four options will end the established correction routine and help your children move beyond the physically hurtful behavior.

When the verbal battles — yelling, screaming, arguing and bickering — arise after the physical battles have been dealt with you can call on the same four behavior altering options. Again, the verbal battles are almost always interspersed with periods of cooperative play and kind, loving and supportive interactions between your children.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists