Dear Jan: I've fallen into the trap of being a "lecture dad" with my 10-year-old son. Every once in a while, I catch myself lecturing him on some important family value. I am afraid he might start to tune me out or think I am not listening to him when I am really just trying to help him learn from his experiences. Any advice for this well-meaning dad?

— Long-winded Dad

Dear Dad: Why not lecture, some might argue? You've lived longer, are more educated and experienced; you've acquired judgment and wisdom along the way. Wouldn't it benefit a child if you simply told him how and what to think on certain issues, be it politics, religion, finance, health, safety, illegal behavior, family values or human relations?

If you could impart your knowledge using the lecture format, kids could sidestep the need to learn what you've learned more quickly and wouldn't need to figure out all those important issues for themselves. The problem is, when parents lecture, children often get this glazed-over look that says, "I'm not listening. If it weren't impolite and make you mad, I'd plug my ears."

This is often the case because parents speak in abstract terms and absolutes: "It's important to be compassionate. Showing compassion to your fellow man will bring you much happiness." "The only way to get ahead is to work hard and be responsible." Both of these approaches confuse children.

The other reason lecturing isn't effective is that children have minds of their own. While parents have tremendous influence on children's thinking and need to use that influence to their children's benefit, they also need to know that shoving a point down a child's throat doesn't honor a child's drive to learn to think for himself.

Does that mean that parents should say nothing and just hope that kids will pick up ideas and information from their parents from casual living experiences? No. There are too many influences on children to leave the importance of parental influence to chance.

There are, however, more effective means to guide children's thinking:

• Telling stories from your life: "When I was a child, I wandered away from my parents when I was at a park. I was lost. Finally, my dad found me. After that, I never wandered away again."

• Thinking out loud: "I have my keys ready to unlock the car door. This way we don't have to linger around in the dark parking lot. This is one way I keep us safe."

• Offering your opinion: "I think it's best to eat small portions and forgo dessert."

• Explaining your approach: "Here's what I do: I save 10 percent of my income a month. That way, when it's time for you to go to college or for me to retire, I'll have money available."

• Reading a book or watching a movie together that underlines your values.

• Defining abstract concepts in concrete terms: "Mr. Carmichael brought us a casserole. With the new baby, it's tough finding time to cook. That was very kind of him."

• Offering a real-life experience: "Tonight we're all going to serve dinner at the soup kitchen."

• Asking your child his opinion and respecting it.

• Using sound bites: "If your friends drink alcohol in your car, it's against the law and you're responsible."

These approaches speak in much more powerful terms than long-winded lectures. The goal is that children will learn to use their own mind without guilt rather than simply parroting your opinion. But also, if someone asks your child, "What do your parents think about sexuality, drug use and underage drinking?" your child will know without a doubt where you stand.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists