Dear Jan: Sometimes when I make a simple request, my 8-year-old daughter rolls her eyes at me as if to say, "You're so irritating." Frequently, I lose my cool. How can I get her to stop without nagging or blowing this behavior out of proportion?

Dear Parent: It's annoying. You tell your child it's time to set the table and rather than saying, "Sure, Mom, I'd be happy to," or "In a minute, as soon as I finish my math homework" or "I can't believe you're asking me to do one more chore," she rolls her eyes in exasperation. Eye-rolling expresses disrespect. There you are making a reasonable request, and your child responds with an eye roll as if to say, "You are so aggravating." It's close to expressing contempt for what you've said, if not for you personally. Rolling eyes can quickly become a habit. Unfortunately, by losing your cool, nagging or blowing this disconcerting behavior out of proportion, you actually are reinforcing it.

Your child knows that she and she alone controls those eyes, and so she will use them to communicate irritation, especially since doing so brings about a predicable emotional response from you. It's very powerful and thus rewarding for a child to trigger a parent's negative emotions. It's up to you to change your response to those rolling eyes so they won't work for your daughter any longer.

Here are some respectful responses to eye-rolling:

• Say matter-of-factly to the child what those eyes are communicating: "You're irritated because I asked you to set the table. You can be irritated; nevertheless, it's time to set the table."

• Say, "Eye-rolling is disrespectful; I don't like it." Then turn and walk out of the room as you say, "I can't be in the room with you when you roll your eyes." This line expresses your opinion about those rolling eyes. By walking out of the room, you withdraw your attention, deflating the air in her eye-rolling balloon.

• Say the words that should be coming out of your child's mouth. "Here's what you can say rather than rolling your eyes: 'I'm irritated with the thought of doing one more chore today.'" This approach is effective because your child hears the exact words she could be using to communicate her thoughts and feelings. In time, she will learn to use words rather than her eyes to speak her mind. Then you'll need to decide to withdraw your request to set the table, help her set the table or insist she complete the task despite her irritation.

• Say to your daughter as you slowly move toward her and touch her softly on her arm or shoulder (don't mention the rolling eyes), "I can see you're irritated because you don't want to interrupt the flow of completing your homework. You can set the table in five minutes when you're finished."

Now, some children will even roll their eyes at parents when in public or when the parents are entertaining their most treasured friends or prestigious guests. If your child does so, ignore it. Be totally nonplussed in your demeanor. Walk up to your child and stand near her, pat her on the back. By doing so, you ease the tension of the moment as you manage it with dignity.

Your child is only 8 years old. Realize that this behavior might be part of her prepuberty, early adolescent and teen communication repertoire. Therefore, it might not disappear for a few years. When you've make it through an eye-rolling exchange without losing your cool, nagging or blowing it out of proportion, take a deep breath and say lovingly to yourself, "I'm fine; I'm a good person and mother. This behavior of my daughter's will pass."

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists