Dear Jan: My 2-year-old son doesn't readily interact with other children. In his play class he goes off all by himself. At play dates he usually ends up in tears clinging to me. My brother's family has 6-year-old twins and a 2-year-old. Some days he plays well with them, others less so.
Would it be beneficial to enroll him in day care once a week? Or would this be too traumatic at his age? He's OK with his 5-month-old brother and also with adults, particularly his grandparents. Any suggestions for working on this problem?
— A mom
Dear Mom: When same-age toddlers meet for play, typically each engages in solitary activity. There's not an equal give-and-take between them. If a toddler is interested in another's child's toy, he will grab or wrangle over it with the toddler who has possession of it. Waiting for a turn or asking for it politely is not a skill toddlers possess.
Your toddler, like many, rather than getting in the mix of immature toddler social interactions, goes off safely by himself. Toddlers enjoy engaging with adults or older children who support and accommodate the toddler's interests.
Some children are simply born more social than others. As toddlers, they seek out their same-age peers and play with one another by chasing around or taking turns on a toddler-size slide. This type of play is referred to as associative play. The toddlers associate with each other as they engage in the same activity; they're not yet able to work together in a reciprocal fashion to complete any play-related task. You'll see associative play when two toddlers play in a sandbox or put a simple puzzle together. They seem to enjoy watching what the other is doing but there's no mental or social exchange about working together or playing in a way that involves the other directly. Those kinds of exchanges don't set in until the child is preschool-age.
Once children turn 3, their minds are ready to take on the complexity of a social exchange with one same-age playmate at a time. That's typically why children start preschool at age 3. Although they're in a room with preschoolers, direct interactions occur only between two children.
There is a notion among some parents that if they start their children interacting socially when younger than age 3, they'll ultimately end up being more skilled among friends. While no parent wants their toddler to be isolated from peers and playmates, hurrying up the process of playing cooperatively really isn't possible.
By age 3, if your son continues to avoid contact with similar-age playmates, it would be important to provide the opportunity to play with one child a couple times a week at your home or in a school setting. He will then be ready to support the challenges of incorporating another's ideas into his play. That's when children play cooperatively together. Even up to age 7, cooperative interactions with a threesome are unlikely. The adage, "two's company, three's a crowd" applies.
While your son may continue to be cautious in social situations, which is not a bad attribute, starting him in day care at age 2 will not necessarily make him popular among his peers.
Accepting the fact that he needs to play on his own as a toddler and providing opportunities to play associatively with a similar-age playmate will allow him to move to the next level of cooperative socializing that occurs naturally during the preschool years.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
