Dear Jan: I'm trapped in a downward spiral with my 4 1/2-year-old son. Sometimes I think he's just too sharp for his age. An example: He says he's hungry, and I offer him two choices, a peanut butter sandwich or a cheese sandwich. Then he says angrily, "No, I want to choose the choices." I am trying to elicit cooperation, and all I get back is hostility.

Everyone else who deals with him thinks he is a wonderful, sweet, cooperative child who is always wanting to help out and is kind to the others around him.

— A Mom

Dear Mom: Let's sort out the negative elements in your relationship with your son by focusing on the fact that he's smart. Your son has a good mind and wants to use it. He's using it with others but because you're his parent, you're more likely to feel a need to hold more intellectual control over him than is really necessary.

When he needs to exercise his intellectual power and you thwart it, he turns angry. The situation regarding choice over food is a classic example. He realizes he's intelligent enough to know what's available for lunch and therefore thinks it's perfectly reasonable that he can choose among available options. Most children would be happy with the choices you offered, but not your son. There are those children who always push for more power and control. They wear parents out, but excel in situations where they're able to exercise intellectual freedom.

When your son pushes to use his own ideas and intellectual wherewithal, give him as much leeway as you can. Make sure it's reasonable. He can't control you or the entire household, but he can make many little choices and decisions appropriate to his age and ability. You'll be rewarded with a better relationship with your son. He'll exude a more cooperative attitude and build up a reservoir of positive intellectual power, making him feel in control of himself and his environment.

There's another bonus to offering him more intellectual autonomy. Let's say you say "no" to a bike ride to the park. He protests with tears and a tantrum. All you need to say is, "You can be angry because I said 'no,' but I won't be changing my mind." He'll recover quicker now because of the reservoir that's holding past experiences in which you allowed him to hold the reigns. By saying "no," you're doing what's right as a responsible parent. Your child, because he's a child, doesn't need to be convinced of your good parenting intentions.

Now, wouldn't it be lovely if children would be perfectly compliant until they move out of the house at age 18? It would make parenting so much easier.

Unfortunately that's not what occurs between parents and children. There's a gradual turnover of power and control from the parent to the child. Children need control that's right for them given their development age. Parents just need to know how to offer it in appropriate — and positive — bits and pieces.

When you're with him and other people are around, step back and observe him. By observing, you'll get to know the kind, wonderful, helpful, sweet and cooperative side of your child.

E-mail janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.