As your child heads off to college, you'll likely feel a sense of pride and relief that he is eagerly fleeing the nest for higher education, and some moments of sadness as you know you'll miss the child. Guilt may even set in for unfortunate things you've said or done over the years.
Your young adult, on the other hand, is probably filled with excitement and possibly apprehension. "Will I get along with my roommate? I've always had a room to myself; I can't imagine sharing a bedroom with anyone." "What will my classes and professors be like? How will I manage the workload?"
As your child packs and prepares for this academic adventure, don't burden her with your emotions. Go ahead and say you'll miss her, but keep the focus off yourself and ask in an upbeat fashion, "Need some help?"
The most unique aspect of parenting is that you work yourself out of a job. But it has not been for nothing. Research indicates that children who have been well connected at home make an easier adjustment to college life than those disconnected from their parents. You've been involved in the joys and rigors of parenting day-by-day and soon it will be over, or will it?
Before dropping your son or daughter at the dorm, be sure to say, "I love you. I believe in you. I won't stand in your way. I'll send money if you need it. Call as often as you like." Once you are home, be prepared for a barrage of phone calls. How you manage these is the key to your new role of parenting this young adult from afar.
When your college student calls because he's mad at his roommate, missing home, overwhelmed with academic pressure, not fitting in with dorm or social life, or sensing this college is just not right for him, realize that he's doing so because he knows it's safe to express his outrageous thoughts and feelings to you. He feels pressure to remain cool around his college buddies; therefore, the likely people to share this bewildered side with are good ol' Mom and Dad, who love him and won't judge him, no matter what.
Hold off offering lots of advice. Ask, "What's going on, how are you feeling?" Use active listening: "Boy, you sound really stressed." Or reiterate her outrage: "Your roommate and her boyfriend were making out on her bed and you were right there in the room? I don't believe it!" Ask your son or daughter, "What are you going to do? Is there anything I can do to help?"
You'll only escalate your child's emotions by saying, "Stop crying. You're making too much of this. Settle down." Although you might be right, those lines will probably anger your child rather than quiet her down; she may abruptly end the conversation.
If you really believe that your child, because of the frequency of the calls and the intensity of his emotions, can't pull his head out of this troubled water, encourage him to seek counseling or mental-health resources available on the campus. You may also need to say, "You can come home if you need to."
Usually these emotional phone calls are nothing more than a temporary response to being overwhelmed with the changes college life presents. Your conversation may end with no resolution. The purging of emotions, however, does provide a distinct benefit: Your freshman's mind clears enough to manage the situation for herself. At the end of the phone call, you'll feel worse, your child most likely better. If you call the next day, she's probably doing just fine.
For more about this unique period in your parenting life, read: "The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting From Senior Year to College Life," by Laura S. Kastner and Jennifer Wyatt, Three Rivers Press.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists
