Why is talking to your children about sex so difficult?
Because sex is private and personal. It can be hard to talk not only about the biological basics of sexual activity, but it's also tough bringing up sexual attraction, pleasure and desire.
Most parents want to protect children's childhoods, and somehow sexual information seems to rob them of their innocence. But don't fool yourself — from an early age, children notice the differences between men and women and wonder about them. They see pregnant women and want to know how the baby began to grow. Children are curious and aware about all they see, and that includes experiences related to sexuality.
If you don't answer their questions and satisfy their curiosity, they'll find another source.
Don't let your children get their only sex education from movies, TV, the Internet, books, magazines, peers and sex education classes. They need to receive information from parents.
The one-time explanation at the kitchen table is better than nothing, but it's best to start from an early age, offering information in bits and pieces. With this approach, your children will see you as a source to turn to when questions arise.
Plus, by offering information when they are young, you establish your credibility. It follows that giving information comes easier and is better received as they get older.
Obviously the facts and values you communicate when they're young are far different than the information you give once they go through puberty. If you've never discussed sexuality with your child and he or she is now a teenager, it's time to bring it up. It's never too late.
There's no perfect way to present your home sex-education curriculum. You might stumble; that's OK.
If your child doesn't ask you about sex, here are some conversation starters depending on the child's age: "Do you know how babies get started?" Or, "What do you know about sex?" After your discussion, communicate your hopes regarding your child's sexual activity by saying something like, "I expect that you will wait at least until after high school to be sexually active — or until you are married or are an adult and in a committed relationship." Simply state your values.
There's a lot you can't control with regards to your child's sex life, but you can offer your child information so he knows where you stand. Your influence is more powerful than you think. If you need more ideas and information, read any or all of the following books:
• "How to Talk with Teens about Love, Relationships, and Sex: A Guide for Parents," Amy G. Miron, M.S. and Charles D. Miron, Ph.D. (Free Spirit, $16.95).
• "Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask)," Justin Richardson, M.D., and Mark A. Schuster, M.D., Ph.D. (Three Rivers Press, $14).
• "How to Talk to Your Child about Sex: It's Best to Start Early, but it's Never Too Late — A Step-by-Step Guide for Every Age," Linda and Richard Eyre (Golden Book Publishing Company, Inc., $12.95).
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists
