If you're the parent of a young child, you might be contemplating a second. You may wonder when the best time is to introduce a second child into your family.
It's important to think of your firstborn and how she will adjust to a sibling. It's also important to think about your emotional and physical health and make sure you're ready for the challenge. If you decide to have a second child when your first is a toddler, rather than thinking of yourself as having an older child and a younger child, it's better to think of yourself as having two babies. Why? Because after the birth of a sibling, the older child's behavior often regresses; a walker may take up crawling, a cup drinker may ask to nurse and an early talker may return to babbling.
If your older child acts more babyish, let it be. In order for her to understand what babies are like, she must pretend to be a baby.
Don't totally ignore the immature antics of the older child, but don't pay too much attention, either. Say something like, "Oh, you're crawling. You know how to walk, but you want to crawl just to see what it's like." Or, "You'd like to nurse. When you were a baby I nursed you, and now it's your sister's turn." Or, "I don't understand your words. You're babbling like your sister."
When you're nursing, the older child often performs the most desperate acts for attention. But she needs attention, so give it for positive behavior. Therefore, just before nursing, set out toys on your coffee table. Sit in a comfy chair when nursing and, as your older one plays, describe her actions: "I see you nursing your doll; it looks like she's hungry." "You're dumping over the puzzle; now you're putting it back together again." "You're driving your truck along the table; now you're making a tunnel with blocks."
Other than when you're nursing, when your toddler makes a request for water, your lap or a story, if at all possible, indulge her. You want her to know that even though you're busy with the baby, you can give her what she needs — within reason — on her terms. Once she realizes this to be true, she'll be able to wait and won't be so demanding. She needs to realize firsthand that you still have time for her.
Make sure you're communicating by your words and actions that the older one still has an important place in the family, that she belongs and that although she's the older child, she's not necessarily more mature just because you've introduced a baby into the family.
A child age 3 or older more easily accepts a sibling. This is not to say there won't be moments of jealousy, but a preschooler will show lots of interest in the baby and be willing to help, and besides, most 3-year-olds play independently, attend preschool and can spend the night with Grandma. Burton L. White, in his book "The New First Three Years of Life" (Simon & Schuster, $14.), addresses this topic. Despite the challenges of having an infant and a toddler, it is not unusual today for parents to have siblings separated by only 18 months.
A woman's doctor can be a source of advice on when to have another child and there is also written material on the subject.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists.
