As mobile babies explore their environment, they get into mischief.
Given access to Grandma's purse, or toilet paper or magazines, they'll investigate, tear apart and put items into the mouth. They don't know the dangers of stairs or woodstoves; they're drawn toward them as they investigate and work to become competent in their first environment, the home.
For a child under 18 months old, parents simply move the child away from the forbidden object or move the object up out of the child's reach. Most parents know to offer a child a toy or safe item to replace the forbidden one.
Once your child approaches 18 months old, however, an interesting phenomenon occurs. Your child will toddle toward the fireplace, the TV, or a drawer full of pots and pans — all of which you've declared off limits — and look right at you to test your response. You've told the child "No" again and again, but there she is heading straight for the prohibited item while looking to see what you're going to do about it.
Why does he do so? It's so infuriating. It seems as if the child gets a charge out of watching your response. Be careful not to misread his intentions. The child isn't really defying you, so don't take it personally. The child is simply fascinated with the fact that the two of you can have different opinions about certain items. Now you likely realize that every person has a mind of his own, but toddlers only realize this fact about halfway through their second year. Therefore they go out of their way to decipher just what the two of you are like-minded about and what brings the two of you conflict. Their need to test out these conflicts overrides their interest in pleasing you.
They'll go toward the TV, cat food or stereo equipment not only to learn more about it but also to see how you're going to react. Complicating the toddler situation further is the fact your toddler has no inner controls. She's interested in seeing the TV go on and off, hearing the volume of the stereo go up and down and watching gravity at work as the cat food spills to the floor. If you tell her "No! Stop" she can't think of what else to do so she just keeps doing more of what she's not supposed to do.
So if you don't want your child to touch the stereo, you'll need to respond consistently when he approaches it. If one day you allow access to the stereo and the next day forbid it, your toddler will test all the more, seeing just how you'll respond on this particular day.
In your home, you'll probably allow your toddler access to some items, partial access to others and no access to some.
This period of testing out conflicting desires between a toddler and her parents doesn't last forever, but while it does, do what you can to minimize it by being consistent with each conflict that arises. And as you do, keep in mind that your toddler is just trying to understand that each person has her own mind; that people can feel the same way about certain things and different about others.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
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