Dear Jan: I adore my fiancé, who has a 6-year-old son from a previous marriage. The problem is, I'm an only child and have never really been exposed to young children before — baby-sitting was never really my thing. How can I learn to become more loving to my future stepson?

Dear Future Stepmom:

Before embarking on a campaign of love, realize that while you can be another person for your stepson to love, you'll not likely hold the intimate role of "mother." Also keep in mind that your role is definitely not that of disciplinarian. If your stepson is rude to you, violates your personal space or possessions (i.e. rifles through your purse) or is doing something dangerous and dad isn't around, you have every right to reprimand him. Other than that, leave guidance to dad.

Your job is to build rapport with this child in order to develop a loving and liking relationship. You must do the most work. Adults brought the stepparenting situation about, and therefore adults — not the child — need to take it upon themselves (as you are doing) to make the relationship work.

With the caveats out of the way, below are several ways to be a loving stepparent:

Be affectionate and friendly. You'll certainly learn to like this little boy so when you feel affection toward him say so and show it by offering a loving touch.

Consider his feelings and desires. There's no need to give in to every one of his whims but it is important to consider them. You can do so by restating and respecting his ideas and going along with them when they're reasonable. If he asks for a puppy, say, "I know you really want a puppy, let's talk it over with your dad."

Validate his negative feelings, but don't allow negative behavior targeted directly toward you. If your stepson screams at you because you're taking time away from his time with his dad, respond with, "I know that you're jealous of the time I spend with your father, but I can't allow you to yell at me. I'm leaving the room."

Show interest in what's important to your stepchild. If your stepson announces, "My teacher's cat had kittens," respond with a question, "How many did she have?" This simple question tells the child, "I'm interested in what's important to you."

Go to his events and support his activities. If your stepson is on a soccer team, you'll not only go to his soccer practices and games but you'll cheer him on even if he never kicks a goal or, for that matter, the ball!

Acknowledge his accomplishments. When he lives up to your expectations or complies with a request, let him know you appreciate it by saying, "I really appreciate that you carried your plate from the table to the counter."

Describe and observe his accomplishments. Here's all it takes, "You learned to ride your bike! Show me. I want to watch."

Offer care when he's distressed. Let's say your stepson's kitty dies. As a loving parent, show compassion and thoughtfulness by saying, "Yes, it is so sad that your kitty died."

Encourage him to talk about the distressing situation. You can say, "When you want to talk about your kitty, just let me know. We can even write a story about her life." Then encourage him to come up with ideas to ease his stress. Ask, "What can you do so you won't feel so sad?" "Would you like a picture of kitty by your bed? Let's find one and put it in a frame."

These methods communicate affection and will put you on the road to developing a loving and liking relationship with your fiancé's child.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists