There will be days when you may feel like alienating yourself from your teenager. The reason? Most teens make life unpleasant for their parents. Outwardly they say with words and body language, "Stay away."
Plus, they criticize parents' mannerisms, attitudes, politics and appearance. They complain about doing chores, participating in family traditions, following rules and keeping up with household responsibilities. Then when you try telling them how nice they look or how much you love them, they're likely to reject your affection. Inwardly, however, in a place that they may not recognize exists, they still need you.
Is there rationale for this irrational behavior?
Yes.
Your teenager is going through a process called individuation. It is nothing more than breaking superficial emotional ties to parents to find their own individuality. Some teens go through this process more gracefully than others.
While it's normal and natural for teens go about cutting emotional ties, it's not OK for parents to do so. Picture yourself as the post for a tetherball. You are for your children the steady strong solid post that your children are tied to. This rope during adolescence lengthens considerably.
Teens whirl around at school, work, extra-curricular activities and in the community and then come home to wrap themselves around the home front. They do so in order to fly out into the world again tomorrow. This doesn't mean your teenager will even sit next to you as when younger. It means that home — where you are — provides solace and security for even the most rebellious teenager.
Although you're providing this sanctuary to your teenager, you may not see much reverence for it. In fact, you're more likely to see irreverent moodiness erupt. It's an emotional roller-coaster ride your teen is on where one minute he's angry, the next sullen, then overly exuberant. Then sometimes, he's simply delightful.
This moodiness weighs on parents. It's hormones; it's the result of being caught between childhood and adulthood. It's pressure from school, friends, sports, work and family. Unless you have an unusual teen, you'll likely witness such moodiness. You didn't cause it and you can't remedy it, and you can't talk your teen out of it.
Resist allowing your teen's moodiness, however, to regulate the emotional thermometer in your home. Acknowledge your teen's feelings, "I know you're feeling rotten today. Is there anything I can do to help? You just want to be left alone? That's fine."
Because of these prevailing mood swings, some parents justify rejecting their son or daughter, "That son of ours cuts himself off from us." Although this appears true on the surface, underneath your teen needs more from you.
Your task is to give your teen space and keep a distance without cutting him off. Letting him go — especially on an emotional level — is not advised.
When you start to side-step your teen to avoid confrontation, when you say, "I give up, I'm done, I can't parent this child anymore," think of that word alienation. Cutting the tetherball rope now only sends your teen whirling out into the world bouncing from here to there without a safe, accepting and steady sanctuary to return.
Insist that your teenager keeps up with the responsibilities of home life even when she complains. The garbage still needs emptying; the dog must be fed. Your teen needs to attend family birthdays, holidays and outings unless there's a good reason. And you and your teen need to keep track of each other: leave notes, call frequently, access voice messaging.
Teens think that they're adults but they're not. Once a full-fledged adult they won't get by with acting as they do when traversing adolescence. Parents and others involved with teens give them, as they should, a little slack.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to:
Jan Faull, c/o Families, The
Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle,
WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists
