Research indicates that children as young as 14 months learn from peers.
Watching a peer perform a task puts it in the child's realm of possibility. Though peer influence often gets a bad rap, it can be beneficial as well. One 7-year-old, a reluctant swimmer, watched a peer swim and then copied the maneuvers that led to mastering the skill. Three sisters watched a similar-aged cousin knit, and with their interest piqued, all three took up the hobby. Parents can't choose their children's friends, but they can offer direction and support. Therefore, you need to keep your parenting antennas focused on the children your children hang out with, whether they're toddlers or teenagers.
Let's say your second-grader becomes friends with a classmate who spells trouble — the child is mean to others and disrespectful to the teacher. Then your child begins to act similarly. What are you going to do?
With an elementary-school student, you can invite other children to your home to play and enroll your child in an extracurricular activity with the hope your child will form new friendships with children with more positive personality traits. You can also say, "I don't like it when children talk back to the teacher, and I don't like it when one child is mean to another."
If you see a behavior in a child that you find unacceptable, point it out. While peers are important in the lives of your children, you also have a position of power and influence. Therefore your children needs to know your opinion with regard to unsavory behavior displayed by friends.
A warning: Resist the parental tendency to cave into negative influences of your children's peers. If your child has a friend whose parents buy her every toy and gadget, will you feel pressure to do the same for your child even if it rubs against your values?
With teenagers, you'll have a more difficult time drawing your child away from the negative influences of peers. Saying "I don't want you associating with that kid" might make the teen an even a more attractive peer. Use the fact that children learn from peers to your parenting advantage by surrounding your children as much as possible with peers whose parents adhere to the same values — on drugs, alcohol, bullying, sex — and interests as you.
Parents can do lots to guide children toward positive peer influences during the early years, hoping they'll continue to choose positive relationships when older. As the years go by, peers become more important as children break ties to parents and attach to peers in order to eventually stand on their own as young adults.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times,
P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.
More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists
