Q: My 16-year-old son attends weekly poker night at a friend's home. He assures me the games are friendly and that they do not play for money.
He has a part-time job delivering pizzas and gets a small allowance, but he's been asking for money from me and my husband lately, and I worry that he may be developing a gambling problem, even an addiction. How do I confront him about this topic? A: You need to bring it up — and when you do, watch your attitude and approach. You don't want him to turn defensive and paint him into a corner where he'll be forced to lie or turn sneaky.
Any time a child asks for money, it's the parent's right and responsibility to ask how the child will be using it.
Start by scripting your own version to the following statements. Use an, "I'm perplexed," Columbo-esque manner: "Something doesn't make sense here. You work and receive an allowance. It seems you should have plenty of money. I'm aware that you play poker. While you say you don't play for money, putting your request for money together with the fact that you play poker concerns me. I fear that you might be gambling your money and mine away."
Whether he's gambling for money or not, he'll probably give you a sketchy accounting of his financial situation. If he is gambling, he's unlikely to 'fess up. Nevertheless, by bringing it up, you're putting him on notice.
Before jumping to the conclusion that he's addicted to gambling, realize that many teens engage in risky behavior that will not necessarily lead to an addiction or bad habit. Some teens risk not studying for a test, hoping that miraculously they'll pass anyway. Some drink alcohol or take drugs without thinking of the effects on their behavior or health. The consequences don't enter their minds. They're in it for the thrill and the hope that everything will be fine no matter what.
Brain scientists explain it as compulsive behavior, which is the result of an undeveloped cerebral cortex, the part of the brain that controls higher levels of intellectual functioning. Many teens make decisions on impulse and by wishing and hoping rather than by thinking and planning. Teens need skilled assistance from teachers, parents and mentors to develop this "executive officer" part of the brain.
Your task is to offer information. Read up on poker as related to gambling, and offer him statistics about the likelihood of winning big. Simply offer this information in sound bites. Don't look for agreement, but instead apprise him of the perils inherent in playing poker. Hopefully this will result in a change in his behavior.
Also, play poker with him. You'll learn lots about him and his method of playing. You can model a healthy approach to the game. For instance, you can agree to bring to the game no more than $5. You can make nickel antes until you've played enough or until one of you has lost your $5, at which time the game ends.
It would be wise to watch his Internet use. If he's frequently playing poker online for money, that would be a red flag telling you that he's acquiring a gambling problem.
Below are some other signs he's developing a gambling addiction:
• Sells valuable belongings.
• Has debt or large amounts of cash.
• Receives calls from strangers.
• Makes calls to "900" gambling numbers.
• Is frequently absent from school, work or home.
• Seems erratic, distracted, worried or depressed.
• Has withdrawn from social and extracurricular activities.
If you fear your son truly is addicted to gambling, call the Problem Gamblers Helpline at 800-522-4700.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists
