DEAR JAN: My children, ages 8, 10, 12, often have a good time pretending to slap each other, playing tag or some other physical interaction. They are clearly laughing, giggling, smiling and having fun. However, 9 times out of 10 the playtime deteriorates when one ends up crying or angry. How do I intervene to stop them?

— A mom

DEAR MOM: Your children's fun that turns hurtful most likely takes place because it's embedded in a relationship routine. You're probably playing a role too because once the altercation turns to tears or anger, you predictably stop them, scold them or send them to their bedrooms. Children rely on consistency and routine; this interaction brings predictability to your children's lives even though it's negative.

When you hear the laughing and giggling, stop yourself from doing anything and consider one of the following options. It's important that you vary your response. If you always respond in the same exact way, you become a predictable spoke in the sibling-altercation wheel. By varying your response, you throw the system off balance, which will most likely bring their hurtful interactions to an end.

Option 1

Stop the sibling fun just as it's about to turn hurtful by giving them each a chore. Say, "OK, it's time to stop." Tell one to empty the dishwasher, another to feed the dog and the last child to put laundry away. When choosing this option, enter into their space, assume control and use a strong voice. See that the rambunctious play stops and that they move off to do their chores. It may take a minute or two for them to respond as they've been energized by the physical activity.

Option 2

Have them take the activity outside. Use a strong voice and powerful body language while saying, "The three of you need to go outside. You can play like this outside, not inside." By releasing them to the backyard, you'll defuse the heat in the battle while allowing nature and fresh air to work its magic. Once outdoors they'll most likely find a more positive focus for their playtime.

Option 3

Structure the play fighting. Children love wrestling. You can create rules for such sibling wrestling matches, you're the referee. Siblings enjoy testing their strength with one another.

Option 4

Just stand near not saying anything; your presence alone provides a controlling mechanism. It's called "proximity control." With you there your children's behavior most likely will rise to a better level. Don't let them pull you in to judge who is the perpetrator of the aggressive acts. They are all three equally responsible. If one begins to tattle, say, "She did that? What are you going to do about it?"

Option 5

Walk into the room where the physical interaction is taking place and say, "I hear giggling, and I see play fighting. You all know what happens once you start down this path. I don't want to be a part of it. I'm going into my bedroom until it stops. I trust the three of you can handle the situation."

While tears and anger might result, the likelihood is great that no one will get hurt emotionally or physically. With you not involved, your children are left to manage the situation without you. At their ages, they'll do just fine.

By varying your response, you throw your children's interactions off balance. Because the children don't know how you'll be responding, they're less likely to enter into such an activity. They don't like not knowing which option you'll be choosing.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.

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