Let's say your 13-year-old daughter spent the night with a friend and then went to the mall.

You've come home for a power nap when the phone rings. It's your daughter's girlfriend's mother explaining that your daughter and hers were caught shoplifting lipstick. You're horrified. How could this be? Your daughter knows better. What are you going to do? According to Shoplifters Alternative, a national nonprofit research and rehabilitation program, there are about 23 million shoplifters in our nation today, one-fourth of whom are teenagers. But when it's your child, statistics don't matter. You feel you've failed as a parent and your child is doomed to an adolescent life of delinquency.

If your child shoplifts, your hope is that she'll be caught. The embarrassment and shame of being caught usually ends the novice shoplifter.

If, however, your child is so skilled at pilfering that a store's surveillance system fails to detect her, but you see items in her bedroom that you know she can't afford, then it's up to you to question her. You'll also need to monitor what items she brings home with the hope of catching her red-handed. Then she'll be forced to 'fess up to her misdeeds, return the stolen items and suffer the legal consequences, which should include some form of community service.

When your child is caught, avoid lecturing; doing so only makes the situation worse. The most you need to say is, "I'm extremely disappointed; you know that it is wrong to steal. I expect that you'll never do it again. Shoplifting is totally unacceptable within our family and this community."

If you have a child who is getting to the age where he or she might be shopping without you, be proactive and have a shoplifting talk about the temptation your child might encounter. Be engaging in this conversation; you are not putting ideas in your child's head — such thoughts cross even the most moral child's minds. One of your roles is to prepare your children for the new environments they'll encounter. Going shopping without you is one such new experience. So when your child goes off to the mall alone or with a friend, that's the time to tell her about store security systems, the legal consequences of stealing and that it's wrong to take something that belongs to another, even if it's a large merchandise corporation. Many teens justify shoplifting because they believe that the store is a big impersonal corporation with lots of merchandise, therefore, it will never miss a little something taken by them.

Some teens make shoplifting a habit. They're rebellious and thrill-seeking or want things that they can't afford and that their parents can't or won't buy them. They want something but don't have the maturity to develop a plan to earn the needed money. Your job is to teach your children to resist the immature notion of instant gratification which comes from shoplifting.

If shoplifting is a persistent problem with your child, it's definitely time to seek professional help. You alone won't be able to punish the inclination to steal away.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.