Q: My 10-year-old daughter and her friends seem to have developed an unattractive pattern of behavior that concerns me.

Almost daily, someone is angry or hurt, even crying, over something someone has said or done. It isn't unusual for my daughter to announce that she is no longer friends with so-and-so, but if that same girl calls a few minutes later with an invitation, all is forgiven and forgotten. I find myself getting too drawn in and upset by what's going on. Is this normal behavior for pre-adolescent girls, or is it time for me to become more proactive?

A: Many pre-adolescent girls participate in such social dramas. They make more of a situation than necessary trying to determine what's appropriate and what's not. Sometimes these episodes are easy and simple to resolve, other times not.

When younger, they'd act out such interactions in pretend play. Now it's the real thing played out in immature social situations. These situations are often magnified and escalated by vicious gossip, back-biting behavior and sometimes violence.

The middle-school years are generally considered the worst for clique-y behavior. You hope that no one will be emotionally scarred by these experiences and that they'll learn to be good friends to one another.

More important than offering advice or removing your daughter from the group, be a good friend to your daughter and let her witness you being a good friend to your friends. She'll learn the give and take of friendship by watching you.

Also, keep a watchful and eye and ear on these situations. The challenge for you is to keep apprised of what's going on without getting emotionally involved.

Each time one of these episodes takes place, decide whether:

You should just stay out of it. If so, say and do nothing. If you think the situation is absurd but no one is getting hurt, let them play out the drama. They'll learn from the consequences of the situation on their own. The girls benefit when they manage this kind of social experience without adult interference.

You should coach her from the sidelines. If you see that your daughter needs some ideas and emotional support from you, open up the conversation by saying,

• "What's going on? You seem really upset. Is someone hurting you?"

• "Your friend did that to you? I don't like that. What are you going to do?"

• "You did that to Mary? I wouldn't do that. Let's think of another approach."

• "Here's what I would do in that situation ... "

• "When I was your age, the same thing happened to me; here's what I did."

It's not important that your daughter proceed exactly as you suggest. What is important is that she tells you of the circumstances and, in doing so, she calms down and then can think for herself what to do. She might use your ideas and she might not, but she gains strength knowing that you're on her side and that you've got confidence in her to manage the situation herself.

Step in and mange the situation. If someone is getting emotionally or physically hurt, it's your job to assume control. If getting involved is your only recourse, make sure you do so when you're not emotional. Your job is to make the situation better, not worse, while helping the girls learn better relationship skills.

The more time your daughter and her friends can spend in adult-supervised situations, the better. Scouts, student government and sports usually have skilled adults overseeing the social goings-on and can guide the social process in a productive and positive way.

Some girls, your daughter included, seem drawn toward such social minidramas. In the end, you hope they'll develop positive and productive relationships rather than ones that are political, manipulative, mean-spirited or hurtful.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70,Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists