There's not a parent alive absolved of the need to apologize.
Every one of us has done or said something regrettable. We may have screamed hysterically, spanked unnecessarily or humiliated a child — it was wrong, and we knew it; an apology is in order. Let's say your older child hits your younger child, and instead of stepping in and stopping the child with a quick reprimand, you scream uncontrollably and slap the older child.
You feel horrible, asking yourself, "How could I have used aggression to stop aggression? I modeled the very behavior I was trying to stop." At this point, it's important not only to apologize but to also decide how you'll respond if a similar incident occurs.
If you find yourself repeating an offense, then it's time — through classes or counseling — to learn new parenting, relationship, communication or anger-management skills.
There's another problem in this situation: The focus switches from your child, who misbehaved, to you. That's why parents want to be effective disciplinarians without turning emotional and losing control. Because when they do, that misbehavior interrupts the effectiveness of addressing the disciplinary situation at hand. So in this situation, apologize — but then return to the fact that it's not OK for one sibling to hit another.
Some parents unfortunately impose their own dysfunctional lifestyles on their children, causing irreparable but unintentional harm. When the parent is aware of the damage, sometimes all he or she can do is apologize.
Now, some children (or adult children) will ask their parents for an apology. If an adult child brings up a looming memory — say, when the parent didn't back her up in an altercation from sixth grade — it's not too late for the parent to say, "I'm so sorry. If I could go back and respond differently, I would."
But some children don't think to ask, or don't feel it's their place to ask for an apology. Therefore, if you know you behaved badly, go ahead and apologize. An admission of guilt can do wonders to improve and even mend a parent-child relationship.
Sometimes actions speak louder than words. One dad was an alcoholic while his children were growing up. He redeemed himself by sobering up and becoming a caring and attentive grandfather. His children, as adults, were able to forgive him.
If you're guilty of some of the worst behavior in parenting — abandonment; emotional, physical or sexual abuse; alcoholism or drug use; or unfortunate parenting because of unresolved issues from your own childhood — then you need to fess up to your guilty actions and apologize. You can't redo what you've done, but you can own up to the magnitude of your behavior and say, "I'm so sorry."
No parent sets out to live a regrettable lifestyle, but parents are people. We all wish we could set aside our own miseries when parenting, but that's just not always going to happen.
After an apology, will everything be jim-dandy? No, but instead of making excuses and defending yourself, it's better to confess and express your regrets.
Quite often, children, even adult children, blame themselves for their parents' poor practices. They think, "If I had been better, my parent wouldn't have treated me that way." It takes maturity to realize it was the parents' problem. In this regard, apologies help.
A parent can say, "I did some good things, too. Do you remember the good times between us?" You can also add, "Sometime when you're more mature, you might be able to step into my shoes and think about what I was going through. Even though I wanted to do differently, I simply couldn't. I hope that somehow I can make it up to you in the future, and that you'll forgive me."
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists
