Still, though, I had heard of Canadian loo-smuggling operations by frustrated readers, plumbers and through no less authority than humor columnist Dave Barry.
Knowing undercover commode crossings are becoming a dying art, I had to have a biffy-smuggling experience myself. Armed with bail money, passport, cellphone and my attorney's phone number, I went ahead with the premeditated planning for the dastardly deed to the Frozen North.
In alerting a U.S. Customs agent to the issue, he replied with such a huge smirk that I sensed through the telephone line, "Quite frankly, Mr. Hay, post-9-11 we have more important issues to consider." That sounded like a green light to me.
Feeling quite the criminal, I bought three 13-liter flush thunderboxes (in a very fateful twist, they were built in the USA to Canadian standards) and hauled them back to Customs. I told the officer at the gate that I had been in Canada for two hours and was hauling three Canadian latrines back to Seattle. In searching my truck, the five officers looked over the tanks and bowls still in their boxes and pondered the three wax-ring seals still in original wrappers. They were bemused, confounded and quite obviously not trained in the nuances of plumbing fixtures. The boxes plainly said, "13 liters per flush." (It might have been the metric that threw them off.)
After the search, I was interrogated by two officers who wanted to know why I was doing this.
"Because I can," was my reply, with no pun intended.
"Are they cheaper in Canada?"
"No, actually more expensive, what with that metric money they use up there. But you get what you pay for."
"Is this for personal use?"
"Yes, very personal use."
"You're not a plumber? You're not going to re-sell them, are you?"
"No and no. They are part of an informal NAFTA experiment, and the subject of what will become several newspaper columns."
They determined that the American-made porcelain was not subject to duty and sent me on my way, undoubtedly shaking their heads as I drove off.
With the boxes safely tucked away, the whole idea lost some of its luster. No way was I going to get away with installing these contraband bowls in some deserving person's home as a gift. Feeling creative, I had an epiphany: When in doubt, make art. Phil Wood, whose Garden Designer column runs in The Seattle Times, and I are going to take these American/Canadian 13-liter dinosaurs and transform them into a "Toilet Garden." Stay tuned!
Darrell Hay answers readers' questions. Call 206-464-8514 to record your question |
