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When a Parent Loses a Child Part one of three in a series on grief

Introduction

"You know Dr. Rao, you never get over losing a child. I think I adjust and take each day at a time. You learn to grow from the experience; the pain and memories do not go away, but how to deal with them gradually improves with the great healer known as time. Yet, time is not enough; my sorrow could not be contained without love’s powerful support behind me." How many times I listen with great respect and as much openness as I can, as parents reveal their stories of grief to me.

Stages of Grief

When parents grieve and attempt to heal from the death of their child, I realize more and more that moving through the steps of grieving is part of the natural healing process in the human experience.

It is important to note that the mind and heart know no space and time. This means that the loss can be experienced at any point in life, and grief can be just as real years after the recent tragic event.

I often describe and educate parents about what is ahead on the road to healing. I try my best to avoid overanalyzing or rationalizing and to just allow any and all feelings to be expressed and processed. Most often, I am in silent support and try to gauge where parents are in the many stages of working through a horrendous loss.

• Denial is often the first stage. It is a very powerful, healthy mechanism (at first) to help cope and contain the shock of loss. Our mind seems to have a built in safety valve to shut off the severe pain of tragedy until our spirit can handle the issues.
• Sadness and depression follow denial. I cannot fully understand the pain, but it has been described to me as "soul-ripping; a complete feeling of the heart dying;" and an "unexplainable, endless bottomless pit or void." Everyone has their own natural time line for moving through feelings that arise after their loved one’s death. I often tell parents to cry until they cannot cry anymore. Parents are often hit when they least expect it by a wave of sadness even after years go by. It is critical to tell relatives and friends of parents to not offer statements like "Every cloud has a silver lining" or "Walter is in heaven right now." It is best at this stage to allow full expression of feelings.
• Anger is the next stage. Rage and anger can be intense toward the child who died, toward spouses, other children in the home, and friends and relatives. It is important that grieving parents have an outlet to release their anger through activities such as exercise, hobbies such as gardening, or through therapy to ventilate their often overwhelming experience. Guilt, shame, and blame are feelings to acknowledge and work through, especially if parents direct these difficult feelings at themselves.
• Acceptance, surrender, and working through follow denial, depression, and anger. In this stage, parents are willing to move on in life while maintaining the memory of their loved one. Each healing story is unique in every family.

Points to Remember

Here are some useful points in helping you work through the emotional stages of dealing with the death of a child:

Find help outside of the home and family. It is important to connect with a therapist, trusted confidante, church, or social group support so that any and all feelings can be expressed. It is vital to find a "net of safety" or protective space with others who have gone through losing their child. Healing occurs between those who have shared similar losses and experience. Parents will grieve differently because they have felt and expressed their love to their child in different ways. Spouses will never completely understand each other’s reactions and responses to pain. There is an endless list of things to take care of; it is natural to feel like you are falling apart in dealing with other siblings, relatives, household chores, or finances. Often I hear couples talk about being consumed with pain but powerless in being able to help their spouse. Sometimes a parent will completely isolate him or herself and it is hard for the others in the family to understand or know what to do. This is where resentment, anger, and blame for the child’s death can be thrown around, particularly in working through the anger stage. One of the biggest issues is understanding that healing occurs in unique ways and that there is no time frame.

Other family members need special care. Children (especially siblings) grieve in many ways that are different than adults. They want to know what has happened but may not know how to ask. Different age groups react differently. The younger the child, the more parents will hear that the child thinks it is his or her fault. They may believe they caused the death, particularly if there is a lot of sibling rivalry and competitive feelings. Children fantasize about killing their brother or sister or wishing that they were dead. I recall one child drawing a picture and saying that his sister is now "living in a big forest tree and was being taken care of by angels." Another child fantasized that his winning a prize caused his brother to die. A parent may hear very funny and sometimes highly creative fantasies about wishes their children have about the lost child. A request for the Tooth Fairy to bring the child back as a present or telling Mom and Dad that they saw the departed child on MTV, are ways of coping with loss. It is important to go along with the fantasy because it is a way the other younger sibling is coping with his or her own grief and loss. Through fantasy, much is worked through. Children (siblings) need parents to be as truthful as possible as to what really happened to their brother or sister. They require much reassurance; they do need to participate in the planning and decision making as much as they can handle. It is important to realize that siblings, as well as parents, may be dealing with immense guilt.

Grieving parents need to keep in mind that their other children (particularly if they are younger) have gotten over the loss quickly because they may return to their routine of school and play after being sad for a short time. It may seem they are "fine." but that is not often the case. Another common view from grieving parents is that children do not understand what has really happened, anyway. This is also not accurate.
The mind is extremely powerful. Children, like adults, are protected by powerful defenses within the mind that shield them from what is too overwhelming to handle. Siblings’ grieving time may seem shorter because they cannot rationally hold and explore their thoughts and feelings as long as adults can.

Other relatives and family friends are hurting too. Grieving parents, through their protective absorption in their own feelings and isolation, at times forget that grandparents, aunts, uncles, and others are also mourning. Parents often think they need to bear the entire responsibility of the funeral, financial issues or about whether to end life support. They forget grandparents, aunts, and uncles may offer useful support and advice. It is important to remember that close relatives can be a great gift to parents, especially at a time of need of empathy and comfort.

Sometimes, friends think that they are an intrusion and do not know what to say or how to handle their friends’ (grieving parents’) loss. It is important for family friends to go with where the parents feelings are and avoid statements like, "it will get better." "thank God you have other kids." "I know just how you are feeling." and "everything happens for the best." Silent support of grieving parents (listening to feelings) is often very powerful and underestimated by friends as they scramble to find what to do for the parents. Friends can often stay more objective and actually lend a hand when the parents’ mental state is overwhelmed to the point that they cannot make immediate and important decisions during a crisis. Friends can greatly help by taking over chores and busy work such as errands, cooking, or helping to watch other children during the immense devastation and stress.

Love underlies the entire healing process. Time alone does not heal. Love and time together is the best formula to navigate through the unimaginable wounded hearts of the parents. It is vital to understand and recognize that love from many sources is the underlying force that will allow parents to move through their immense pain and loss. This love comes from those around them, each other, and through many supports that gradually create heart healing. When parents can share their sorrow and create for themselves a circle of caring, they can move in a direction that allows them to remember their child in love and yet, move on into proactive and peaceful lives. Healing arises, not by forgetting the pain and memory of the child, but by learning to use love and support to live life in as much wholeness as possible.

Summary

What happens when grieving so deeply affects parents, that they do not seem to heal? In our next segment, we will explore how best to help those whose grieving is severely and seriously compromising their ability to work and function. We will also explore what happens when children lose their parents.