A good marriage is a loving arrangement with shared values and objectives. And as we put on the cover of Cosmopolitan years ago when I was editing it: "There's more to it than sex." Don't think for a minute that I don't think it helps to tell your lover, wife or husband-to-be that you are gay. It saves a lot of misery later on.
But some gay men who date or marry women don't or daren't mention the fact. Often they despise gay men and are ashamed of being gay. Often despite a sexual preference for men, they're able to love a woman.
And I've known gay men who say they crave the contentment of family life. Mark Oaten appears to be such a man - one who didn't tell his wife that he was gay. And like many men, straight or gay, he was unfaithful.
Triple whammy
So poor Belinda suffered the triple whammy of realising her husband had cheated on her, liked sex with men and had slept with a male prostitute - which is a pretty unpleasant health risk.
In the midst of a media frenzy, Belinda did what any traumatised wife would have done - she walked out.
But the news this week is that after a desperate campaign by Oaten to salvage his marriage, and weeks of pleading for forgiveness, she is taking him back. They are giving their marriage another go - striking proof of just how flexible and accommodating love can be, and what a high price so many women place on family life.
No, it's not going to be easy for Belinda - and I should know. Having been in love with a man who also forgot to mention he was gay, I have a glimpse of what she may have gone through.
I couldn't believe that this man, who several years ago said he loved me so much, one day found every excuse not to see me.
He'd walk out abruptly on a weekend. He'd leave suddenly after the theatre and not come to dinner with my friends. He said "I want to be alone" so often he made Greta Garbo sound gregarious.
After one of my 'relationship' speeches, I left him. But I went on loving him and thinking about him and paying a psychiatrist to hear about him because I never understood where it had all gone wrong.
A couple of years later after I discovered he liked men it was a relief. An overwhelming, almighty relief.
"It's him," I thought. "It's not me." And then I felt a dreadful compassion for the man who I thought must loathe himself. When we met again I said: "I have loved you, I do love you and I will always love you - though possibly differently. But you could have mentioned en passant that you were gay." He said: "You were the last person I could tell."
It may not be easy, but I suspect for Belinda Oaten the worst is over. She's had time to absorb the fact that Mark isn't quite the man thatshe thought. But how many men are the men their wives and lovers believe them to be?
There are always adjustments to be made in marriages. I'm sure she'll feel sorry for him. And despite the newspapers and phone-ins saying she's suffered "extraordinary public humiliation", Mark is the one who's been humiliated.
Belinda Oaten has probably rationalised that infidelity is infidelity, whatever the gender of the other person. And it hurts. It leaves you reeling in pain and bewilderment.
But one day, if she thinks about it, she may be able to console herself with the fact that Mark paid for sex. A man who pays for sex makes it absolutely clear he wants no emotional involvement whatsoever.
Straight sex might make more edifying reading, but which Westminster wife may be better off? The one whose husband runs off and marries a researcher half his age? Or the one who has a bit of gay sex? Mark has clearly never wanted to dump Belinda and his daughters. He obviously loves them.
Her sex life may be more than a little tricky for a while. They may need couple's therapy and medical check-ups. I don't know if I could rush enthusiastically back to bed with a man who's been unfaithful, especially with a man (I never slept with my gay lover again).
Whatever does or doesn't happen in their bedroom, be sure Belinda Oaten has the upper hand and is in control. Mark Oaten has seen what he so nearly lost and he'll be good as gold for ages now.
I'm rooting for Belinda. Any woman who runs a clog-importing business from home is unlikely to misuse her control. I think they'll make it.
|
