Car journeys provoked panic
The problem was I kept getting these dizzy, fainting spells - at least every two weeks or so. I would also experience chest pains and difficulty breathing. The prospect of a car journey seemed to trigger the attacks and I began to think twice before going anywhere.
I found myself having them at work, too, and when this happened I'd have to slip away from my desk and go somewhere quiet until it passed. Each episode would last about 20 minutes.
What I didn't know is that, left untreated, panic attacks develop into what is known as panic disorder - a condition that affects around one in 50 people.
These are sustained attacks with a range of physical symptoms including palpitations or a thumping heart, sweating and trembling, hot flushes or chills, feeling short of breath, sometimes with choking sensations, chest pains, feeling sick, dizzy or faint, and numbness, or pins and needles.
During a panic attack you tend to hyperventilate - you over-breathe and 'blow out' too much carbon dioxide, which changes the acidity in the blood.
This can then cause more symptoms such as confusion and cramps, and make others worse. It got to the stage where I made my boyfriend follow me every time I got into my car to make sure I didn't have an accident.
Ironically, on one occasion, as he followed me, he shunted his car into the back of mine by mistake. Afterwards I suffered with whiplash and any kind of driving was torment. I took a month off work. But I knew if I let it slip I could sink into some dark hole. So I fought my way through the month to ensure I could get back to the office.
After the accident my GP prescribed Dothiepine, an antidepressant. But after six or seven months, its effect was minimal.
In 1996 I saw a neurologist who carried out various co-ordination tests. He suspected Meniere's disease - a disorder of the inner ear with similar symptoms - but soon ruled this out. I returned to my GP, who thought I should try Prozac as he was convinced I was suffering some form of depression.
Prozac lifted my mood, but didn't help limit the attacks and I stopped taking it. The panic attacks were controlling my life. In the end my GP referred me to a psychotherapist and this was something of a turning point.
Cognitive therapy
She used cognitive therapy, which is based on the idea that certain ways of thinking can trigger, or "fuel", panic attacks and agoraphobia. She tried to stop me thinking about things which had become terrifying to me like taking a bus ride or a long drive in the car.
She seemed to think the attacks were the result of years of living a hectic, independent lifestyle. Several years before, I had bought a two-bedroom house with a friend. However, I had to buy his half when he decided to go travelling. I found having sole responsibility for the property a little overwhelming and the therapist thought this may have contributed to pent-up stress.
The therapist taught me to take challenging tasks one step at a time. Instead of conquering my fear of, say, going on a bus, she told me to get on one and just get off after two stops. She would set little tasks such as going to the supermarket to buy something small.
It all sounds silly but when panic overwhelms your life, just achieving these small goals is incredible.
I forced myself to get my life back on track. By 1999 my boyfriend and I had split up. He just couldn't cope with the attacks. I managed to go to work, but would spend all weekends lying on the couch.
Stuck at home, I began searching the internet and in desperation wrote my own website, nomorepanic.co.uk, to see who else suffered this way. I was astounded by the response. One of the replies came from a lady called Meg who lived in Nottingham. She had not only suffered panic attacks, but had some kind of medical background.
We ended up speaking on the phone for hours, e-mailing and eventually meeting and she explained so many of the symptoms to me. Panic attacks usually occur for no apparent reason. The cause is not clear. Slight abnormalities in the balance of some brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) may play a role. But anyone can have a panic attack, though they also tend to run in some families.
Attacks began to subside
It was such a relief and I found that as our communication increased, the panic attacks slowly began to subside. Meg encouraged me to diet and take more exercise, so I forced myself to start swimming and eventually take aerobics classes.
I had found someone who really understood my condition. In turn, I found myself helping others through the website - it became a very cathartic process.
A few years ago my personal life began to improve. While I was still with my ex-boyfriend a mutual friend, Alex Greenland, used to come and visit us both for weekends. He was very understanding and when my relationship broke up, he continued to visit me. We slowly began a relationship.
By about February 2002 the attacks really had subsided - and would happen only every few months. However, relapses would happen without warning.
I had built up my ability to drive again. But a couple of years ago, in snowy conditions on the A1, I could feel the panic building up as traffic came to a standstill. I phoned Alex and he calmed me down with soothing words until the traffic started to move and I could get home.
The flip side to this is that when I overcome what I perceive to be a real hurdle I feel amazing. Last year I had to go to Bristol for work. It meant a long drive and staying in a hotel for a week. But I was determined to do it.
I knew I could get through it if I just stayed focused. Somehow I got through it. And as soon as you get over one challenge you push yourself to do the next.
It does annoy me that it took so long to get help. I know there are people who dismiss panic attacks as being dramatics, hysterics or even the actions of a hypochondriac. But believe me, I wouldn't wish panic disorder on anyone.
Fortunately, I have come through it and am determined that nothing will hold me back again.
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