Alas, the beta male might be at home a lot – and even produce the odd spectacular meal on a special occasion (it will take all day and leave the kitchen unrecognisable) but the occasional flirting with Nigella does not mean he is actually helpful round the house day to day.
This particularly modern form of opposite attraction is increasingly common says counselling psychologist Peter Hudson, not by chance, but because both partners are playing extreme roles where they won't be able to reveal a necessary part of their personality. "A very successful, driven woman is often afraid to indulge her own lazy side. But a fully rounded person needs to be able to do nothing sometimes as well as to be busy.
"If someone can't embrace both sides, they will subconsciously look for a partner who does it for them."
At first both partners will find the set up very appealing. He gets to lounge around on her designer sofa, receiving his dinner on a tray; she has a sweet, loving partner, who's always there when she comes home after a hard day's work. He will massage her tense shoulders, and she will feel listened to, emotionally cosseted by her man in a way that would be impossible if she were dating an equally busy and pressured male.
But while powerful men have happily settled with beta females for centuries, says Peter Hudson, it doesn’t tend to work the other way. When a man is kept by a powerful woman "almost inevitably, the very qualities (her dynamism and aggression, his mellow lazy side) that attracted you to that person, you will end up despising."
'Delightful but disorganised'
Gill, so used to being in control of her life, was in for a shock. "Peter moved in quickly – and rent-free. He was delightful but totally disorganised.
"He'd never quite manage to have milk in the fridge, but he was fun, easy to talk to and so relaxed compared to the competitive men I was used to. I was happy as breadwinner and besides, I was half thinking that Pete would make a wonderful at home dad."
But then came the bombshell. "One evening he casually announced that he was bored of living my life. I was too uptight, too ballsy to be any good sexually, he said, and besides he'd met someone else – who worked in a bar or something. I suppose she made him feel good about himself."
Perhaps Gill should have consoled herself that this is a very common about turn by the beta male – after sinking into pet role, to seek out a woman who makes him feel like the successful one.
Peter was hardly the see-him-coming-a-mile-off boorish male chump. He got on with Gill's girlfriends and charmed her elderly mother. Surely he was just a bit hopeless, not capable of turning so so heartlessly cruel?
But Gill discovered that not only was her cuddly, stay at home boyfriend more than up for eye watering cruelty, he was also perfectly capable of running his own life. A year after he dumped her, Gill discovered that when it was necessary, with a low earning girlfriend, Peter had found a job that meant he could pay rent.
The experts would say that, in part at least, Gill was responsible for allowing Peter to be dependent and it was not healthy for either of them.
"If they explored the issue in therapy" says Peter Hudson "I think they would find that actually they didn't have enough in common outside of this mutually, unhealthy need. The woman would be better to look for a more equal relationship. Once he starts despising her, the damage is done."
'Hunter male ego'
But why should the beta male come to despise a more successful woman he once admired? Leila Collins, counselling Psychotherapist and Principal Lecturer at Middlesex University explains "A dominant woman may be initially exciting but the fact is that most men like to dominate and women need to be aware of that.
"Ultimately the remnants of the hunter/male ego remains and it very likely to resurface and take over."
Rachel, 40, who works in banking fraud, admits that she was always drawn to men who were, unlike herself, non-establishment. For years she was happy with the short-lived, reliable flings this yearning led her to, it was only when she hit her late thirties and the biological clock started ticking that she began to panic.
"Roger was a talented musician and at the beginning I assumed, with my support, the big break was going to come. He was forever talking about meetings with record execs that were just about to happen.
"He played gigs with his band in pubs at weekends, the rest of the time he slouched around the house. Still I loved how different he was from me, a real bohemian. When we got married he didn't even have a suit to wear."
Though bright, Roger had dropped out of college. His career was chequered – a lot of "helping out" of more successful friends – of which there were many because Roger was very popular. Rachel often exhausted with work, loved being around someone who was always a live wire in the evenings.
With Roger slouching around her flat all day, it was a complete mess by the time she got home but "his point was, he was happy to live dirty and eat Pot Noodles, if I needed to live life differently, that was fine, but it was my choice and I had to sort it out. He was quite happy to eat the Selfridges food hall delicacies I brought home."
'Turning a blind eye'
Why an intelligent women would fooled by these relationship terrorists is not difficult to understand says You Magazine Counsellor Zelda West Meades. "When you first fall in love, you turn a blind eye to the more glaring faults and you project what you want from a love partner onto this person. You want it to fit."
Particularly when, as for many Alpha females who prioritise the careers, the end of the childbearing years approaches. "An element of desperation can set in" says Zelda "and many of the men who are their intelligent equals will already be married, to more family focused women."
Zelda suggests brutal honesty is the best safeguard against being used. "Ask yourself: without my money and success, would he still be marrying me? Is this a parent/child relationship rather than lover/lover? Is this a great affair rather than a great long-term plan?"
Rachel sees now that the Roger relationship failed on all these criteria and that marrying him was a disaster. That even though he'd dismissively agreed to have children "at some point", it was never going to happen.
"Roger told me people only worked long office hours to make themselves feel important. It was defensiveness on his part, but I also see that he was slowly poisoning my mind, against myself. Not consciously, just for self-protection."
Two years in, Rachel at 38, felt she couldn't put off having children any longer. "Whenever I'd tried to talk about it, it was always something he said we'd sort out 'in the next few months' – like his elusive record contract.
"So in the end I forced the issue. Big mistake. He turned on me. Apparently I was always trying to make him feel inadequate, always nagging at him.
"Did I think that just because I earned a good salary and lived in a big flat (which I cleaned obsessively in his eyes) that I had achieved anything? He told me not to believe all those friends he knew I moaned to about him (I didn't), that I was the crazy one, obsessed with status.
"He said if I had any balls I'd have left him before but that I was too afraid of being single. He said I treated him like a pet. He said he pitied any kid that would have me as its pushy mother."
The ingratitude, Roger's burning resentment that exploded so brutally is something Rachel will take a long time to deal with. At least, she now accepts, it killed the relationship quickly. By the end of the weekend Roger was sleeping on his sister's sofa. Rachel is now dating another banker. They are trying for children.
Leila Collins says a relationship terrorist will always allow women to do everything but they won't feel good about themselves "it's the substitute mother figure."
Rachel says it was Roger's aggression and bitterness that hurt. As if he wanted to cause her as much pain as possible. And perhaps he did, for that is the nature of the relationship terrorist. Happy for a while with an easy life, in the end his own lack of fulfilment, of anger with himself, will turn to misplaced revenge – against the hand that fed him.
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